#28 Why People Rewrite the Relationship History

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol Kay and this is The Chain of Seduction.

In today’s episode, I’m going to talk about why people rewrite the history of their relationship. Where one day they were saying things were okay, they were fine, and sure it may not be fantastic but we’re working through it. Then the next day,  not only are they saying the relationship is bad, they’re saying the relationship has been bad since the beginning of the relationship. Or bad in the last five years or whatever it is.

I’m going to talk about why there’s a switch from talking about the relationship as good, then suddenly they’re talking about like it’s bad from the beginning.

I want you to do is think of their relationship happiness being on a 1 to 100 scale. One being it’s completely terrible and 100 being this is the most amazing relationship experience I’ve ever been in.

To give more context I want you to think of 80 as they’re actually really happy, it’s really good, no particular problems. Things are going really well. I want you to think of 100 being that sort of crazy over the top in love honeymoon-ish experience, where you’re spending a lot of energy in the relationship. 80 is actually pretty amazing.

Now think of the range of 20 to 40 as where they don’t actually really WANT to be in the relationship. They’re not really happy at all. They’re not really attracted. They don’t really have much of a libido for you. They don’t want to be here but for whatever reason they NEED to be in the relationship. If they get divorced they’re splitting up their life, wrecking their family and a whole bunch of bad things. So they don’t WANT the relationship, but they NEED it.

Which means they come up with a lot of rationalizations to themselves, and broadcasting to others, about why the relationship is good. They tell themselves stories about why it is a good idea to still be in the marriage. They can list off a bunch of relationship positive things: we have the shared history, it’s good for the kids, we have this shared life together, we have this history, we have all these wedding photos, we have all these good experiences and things can always get better. It’s not really a lie, it’s more of PR script to keep them in the relationship and not blow it up. That’s that 20 to 40 range.

When they drop into the 0 to 20 rage though, not only do they still not WANT the relationship, they stop caring they NEED the relationship. They don’t care they NEED the relationship, because they dislike it so much. When they switch from that 20 to 40 range, into that 0 to 20 range, all the rationalizations start changing. Instead of coming up with reasons to STAY in the relationship they tend to come up with reasons why they should now LEAVE the relationship.

20 to 40, Breaking up the family is incredibly bad for children.

0 to 20, Kids can actually do okay in divorce and it’s probably better for them if we split up because right now there’s all this fighting and it’s an unhappy place to be and the kids would be better off if we lived in separate houses.

That’s why you get the flipping of the script. When they’re in that 20 to 40 range they were talking positively. They were talking themselves down. They were rationalizing reasons to stay in the relationship. Once in the 0 to 20 range and suddenly it switches and now they start coming out with how they were really feeling. And they might have been feeling negative about the relationship for a long time.

They might have fallen below that 50% mark 7, 8 years ago. They might have been hovering in the 20 to 40 range for 5 or 6 years. So you’ve been used to this positive script of reasons to stay in the relationship. Hey it’s not that bad. But now in the 0 to 20 range they come out and say well actually it’s been really bad for the last 5 or 6 years, or I haven’t really been happy since shortly after the wedding. In fact I had second thoughts and doubts when we were getting married. And that’s why the script changes. That’s why it suddenly just feels like everything they’ve said has been a lie and now it’s all turned on a dime.

So what I want you to take away from this is not so much that they have been lying. Rationalizing things and coming up with reasons to do things is a completely normal human experience. We rationalize why we do things all the time. It’s not some sort of bizarre situation. I want you to look a little deeper as the true problem that they’ve just not wanted to be in the relationship. They’ve been unhappy for a long time.

The solution is to actually create attraction, have them actually WANT to be in the relationship and find it appealing again. Raise their overall interest in the relationship, raise their relationship momentum. The first goal being to immediately get them over that 20% mark because once it’s below 20% that’s when they might start talking to divorce lawyers. That’s when they really start to think about cheating or just leaving or blowing things up or whatever it’s going to be.

The first goal is get them above 20% so at least it stabilizes, and then getting to slowly build on things in a positive way to get them from 20 to 30 to 40 to 50 and on. Don’t get caught up so much in the rationalizations and what they are saying and why they switched. You really do have to take that switch in narrative though, as a really big warning sign that are close to getting significantly worse.

I can understand why you might have thought that things weren’t that bad in the 20-40 range, but when it drops into the 0-20 range you have a really short time limit to get things turned around. I know that’s all a little bit scary if you’ve just realized that your partner has been in that 0 to 20 range or 20 to 40 range. As we go on I will talk more and more about how to create that sense of attraction, how to create their desire to be in the relationship. We aren’t even into exactly what the links in the Chain of Seduction are yet. Don’t freak out just yet. At this point we’re still doing building some of the groundwork.

I think tomorrow I’m going to talk about the three Love Systems, which is the engine that really powers the whole Chain of Seduction. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

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