#29 I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction, where we talk about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

This is for me an exciting episode because we’re getting into the real engine room driving the whole Chain of Seduction model. If all these videos were a car, this is opening up the hood and showing you the thing that really makes it go.

Over the last few days I’ve been talking about how attraction isn’t rational. It’s based on a biological response inside our bodies. We experience something someone else does, and we just start to experience feelings for them. Fortunately there is a way to understand and break down exactly what the nature of that biological response is. The person that really turned me on to this concept is Dr. Helen Fisher, world-renowned as being a real expert in the field of attraction and relationships.

And one of Dr. Helen Fisher’s core concepts is the three different Love Systems. This is now the current paradigm biologists have in terms of understanding how love works.

 

System One – Sexual Libido

The first one is the easiest to understand and that’s the libido system. Sexual libido is all purpose interest in the sex we’re attracted to. There’s no particular focus on anyone person by the libido system. The thing driving libido are testosterone for men and a mixture of testosterone and estrogen for women. These hormones are what creates libido, your generic sexual drive for the sex that we’re attracted to.

 

System Two – Pair Bonding

The second Love System is the Pair Bonding, social connection one. That sense of intimacy, trust and caring about someone, what we typically think of as “Love.” These are the things that we have for our partner and it’s the same sense of feelings of affection that we can have for our friends and family members and children especially. This is driven by the hormone oxytocin for women, and primarily vasopressin for men. So this is the social connection, the glue that holds relationships together.

 

System Three – In Love

The third Love System is the Attraction one, also known as In Love feelings. The butterflies, the spark, that little shot of adrenaline. This is all driven primarily by the neurotransmitter dopamine, some of the other neurotransmitters as well, but it’s simplest to just think of it as dopamine for now.

Dopamine is the reward neurotransmitter. Anything that is fun, exciting, that makes us want to do it more and more, anything that is addictive, anything that is pleasurable is giving you some sort of shot of dopamine. We get dopamine from shopping, food, gambling and playing video games. It’s the excitement and behavior stimulating neurotransmitter.

 

All Three Systems Together?

This is really helpful because this can explain why sometimes people feel pair bonded. I love you. I care about you. You’re important to me. This relationship matters. But at the same time not feel turned on, not feel like they’re in love with you.

Thus explaining the problem of the dreaded “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.”

I love you. I’m pair bonded. The second Love System is working really well, but I’m not in love with you. Third Love System is not really ticking over for you. I don’t feel attracted. I don’t feel the spark. I don’t feel excited to be with you. I love you. I care about you. I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you, but I’m just not feeling in love.

 

When we experience someone doing the things that would cause the three Love Systems to kick in, we just have uncontrollable feelings about them as a result. So if we see someone in physically in great shape in sparks our libido. They look hot and we’re going to get turned on. We’re going to get that little, testosterone is going to say, “Hey go check them out” or alternatively if you’re a woman, testosterone and estrogen. “Hey check them out.” So they do that and it evokes a response in our body that we have no control over.

If they do the thing that makes us feel like they are trustworthy and intimate and connected, we feel a release of oxytocin or vasopressin and we start feeling bonded to them.

They do something cool and outrageous and we feel attracted to them and start feeling in love with them.

They do these things, our body releases the hormones and neurotransmitters and then we feel things and then we want to be with them.

This exposes the flaw of trying to TALK at your partner into being more attracted, debating them to want sex, begging them to feel in love.

What the Chain of Seduction model does is it turn it around and focus on what we can do to increase attractiveness. Instead of talking at them, we’re going to focus more on ourselves and actually become more appealing to be with. And when model the behaviors that trigger libido, love and feeling in love in your partner, they will have no control over feeling those emotions about you.

The Chain of Seduction flips the script on you being a passive actor in your love life, and puts you in the drivers seat.

 

The next week or so I’m going to go through each link in the Chain of Seduction and explain exactly what we’re going to do at each step. Not only are there three Love Systems, there’s also an order that you want to hit them in, to get maximum results. So pretty much for the next week I’m going to be going through the six links in the Chain of Seduction, and it’s going to be fun, it’s going to be exciting and I think it’s going to blow your mind. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

Trackbacks

  1. […] In yesterday’s episode I talked about the Three Love Systems. The general libido Love System caused by testosterone and estrogen, the pair bonding Love System caused by oxytocin and vasopressin, and the “in-love” attraction Love System created primarily by dopamine. We have these three Love Systems in our body creating these thoughts, feelings and emotions for our partner, and it’s the same in other people feeling them for us. […]

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