#38 Comfort – Third Link of the Chain of Seduction

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. Today we’re following along in the series where we do each of one of the six links in the Chain of Seduction, and today we are up to the third link, Relationship Comfort. If you can remember from some of the earlier videos, this is really focused on the Love System devoted to the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, so it’s all about that trust and security and feeling connected and pair bonded to your partner. Thus Relationship Comfort.

Importantly, when I’m talking about Comfort in the Chain of Seduction, I’m not just talking about whether or not you are doing nice things to your partner, or whether you are good, nice and pleasant. It’s the deeper question of are you creating a sense of Relationship Comfort in your partner. So you may be doing a bunch of nice stuff to your partner, but it’s not exactly the same thing as them feeling comfortable being in a relationship with you.

In fact sometimes when you are overdoing the nice stuff, they may be feeling increasingly uncomfortable in the relationship. It may be making things worse, especially if you’re not passing one of the other links in the Chain of Seduction. If you’re not physically attractive enough, if you don’t have basic attractiveness, you doing a whole pile of nice stuff for them is going to make them feel increasingly uncomfortable.

It’s really about the difference between them being anxious about being in a relationship with you, and them being relaxed about being in a relationship with you. It’s about whether or not they have a sense of dread about being in a relationship with you, versus feeling trust. Do they feel connected and they feel secure in that.

Just like the Brands of Attraction that I talked about yesterday, there are Brands of Comfort too. We all like all the Brands of Comfort to at least some degree, but there’s usually one or two that we’re especially serious about. If we can figure out what our partner is really into in terms of creating Comfort for them, well we can focus on that and it may well take us less energy than trying to shotgun blast them with everything.

So the first Brand of Comfort making is Nesting. It’s anything to do with creating a home-like environment. So a nice house, a place good for kids, doing anything for kids, a sense of home security, a food supply. Cooking is a big part of the Nesting thing. There’s so many guys that get points for cooking. Is there enough money to pay for anything. So basically people that are really into the Nesting thing, like a nice house, a nice home and they want it to be safe, warm, dry, comfortable and supported.

The second Brand of Comfort making is Listening. It’s all about that verbal communication,feeling connected and emotionally comfortable by having a lot of verbal communication. For some people into the listening and talking thing, they may get the greatest sense of Comfort out of talking with their partner for ten, fifteen minutes a day. They enjoy talking about anything and everything, feeling closer and comfortable simply because they’re talking. Also it’s not just if they can talk to you, but they also want you to express yourself to them. If you’re not expressing yourself to them they feel like you’re not actually interested, that you don’t actually love them quite so much. They don’t feel that sense of connection.

The third Brand of Comfort is Values. Do you have a shared set of values? Do you have a shared set of beliefs? Are you on the same page in terms of your political and religious beliefs, how you think about the world. Do you have a shared set of values in that sense. And that can be all purpose religion, politics, ethics, spirituality. Do they see you as someone that has at least some kind of internal moral compass pointed in the direction of being positive minded, peaceful and proactive.

Your values don’t have to perfectly aligned, but the closer they are usually the easier a relationship goes. But there are certainly some people for whom that moral compass, the set of beliefs, is an incredible driving force in their life. Seeing that you have something very close and similar to them is a requirement to them. That is something that makes them feel truly comfortable.

The fourth Brand of Comfort is Broadcasting. Are you Broadcasting the relationship, not only to your partner but broadcasting the value of this relationship to everyone in general. Are you wearing wedding rings? Are you broadcasting to all and sundry that yes you’re married by wearing the correct ring on your finger? Are you someone that tells everyone that this is your wife or girlfriend or the person you are dating? Are you broadcasting to everyone that you’re taken, that you’re in a relationship, or do you hide it? Are you quiet about the relationship? Hiding the relationship makes them feel uncomfortable, unwanted and untrusting.

It’s also things like are you displaying photos of the relationship? Do you have a nice photo album of the things you’ve gone where you can actually display all this stuff? Are you collecting things as sort of Broadcasting markers to yourself and anyone that the relationship is significant and important to you. And this also plays into things like gifts. The gift is a way of Broadcasting to your partner, to yourself, to anyone watching that the relationship is significant to you. Are you Broadcasting this is a significant relationship?

The fifth Brand of Comfort making is what I would just call Affection. That’s both the verbal affection of telling them nice things, it’s the physical affection of touching them in a nice way, it’s the small acts of kindness, the small acts of thoughtfulness. I mean I don’t mean to crap on the Five Love Languages too much, but to me most of the Five Love Language’s are really just basic Affection. Are you basically pleasant and affectionate to your partner? It’s not necessarily that you need to do some grand gestures, but basically are you warm to them? Are you cuddly? Do you seek them out? Do you just like being close to them and being affectionate?

And the sixth and final Brand of Comfort is Shared Activities. It’s pretty close to what people think of as quality time, though I tend to find that a lot of people sort of struggle to define what quality time is. But if you say Shared Activities it becomes a whole lot clearer exactly what quality time is. So are you doing things together? And that can be as complex as going on vacations together or as planned and structured as date nights and it can be as simple as we washed the dishes together. We have a couple of shows that we watch together during the week. We like, once a week we get together and have lunch. We have breakfast together. We hang out and we just do things together. So it’s quality time, it’s sharing tasks together. It can be helping out. It’s trying to do things together as a couple at least once in a while. Like I say they can be big things like vacations and moving house and all that sort of stuff and some of them are really small like I’m just going to go do the thing, want to tag along? It’s going grocery shopping together. It’s washing the dishes together. It’s cooking dinner together. It’s just doing shared tasks.

So those are my six Brands of Comfort making. There’s Nesting. Are you doing things for the house, the kids, the family? Is there enough money? It is the Listening. Are you talking enough? It is the question of are there shared Values? Do you believe the same things? Are you thinking the same way about some things? Do you have that internal moral compass? It’s the Broadcasting that the relationship is important, not only to your partner but in a public sense. Are you affectionate? Do you like doing things for each other? Is there basic warmth and kindness and Affection, both verbal and physical, for each other? And it is finally that are there Shared Activities? Do you do things together? Are you hanging out? Are you doing big tasks, fun tasks, the chores together.

And again, these are six different Brands of Comfort making. Most people need some sort of minimal level in all of them, but usually it’s one or two of them they are particularly focused on and if you can focus on doing those things for your partner, they generally pay off fairly well. It can actually be less effort to focus on a handful of things that your partner’s really into as opposed to trying to shotgun blast everything. And if you’re hitting the things they need, you’re getting a lot of positive results from it.

That’s about it. It think I covered what I was going to say. I hope you liked the video. Please like, share, comment and subscribe. We will continue this on yest– not yesterday, we will continue this on tomorrow where we get to talk about the Energy link. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

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