#40 Energy – Fourth Link of the Chain of Seduction

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. I’m continuing on the series where I’m going through each of the six links of the Chain of Seduction, and we are up to link number four, the Energy link.

This may seem a slightly sort of airy-fairy woo-woo link in the chain, but it is one of the most important ones. It’s one of the ones that people can find they neglect the easiest, and because that’s the case, it becomes a common stumbling block for many couples. The Energy link is basically saying you need to have a certain level of energy, before anyone is going to be willing to progress to enjoying Initiations and the sex itself and the Consummation link.

If people don’t have enough Energy their libido tends to switch off, and as I said in an earlier episode, this is far more of an issue for women than it is for men. Most men when they are tired and exhausted still seem to be able to feel up for sex, where for many women if they are overtired, they are overextended, they’re exhausted, their libido really does tend to switch off.

One of the things I’ve really learned over the years is your own Energy level has an enormous impact on your partner’s energy level. If you are happy, positive and energetic, that tends to rub off on your partner. Just the same way if you are down, depressive, miserable, everything sucks, then that will tend to influence your partner to have a lower energy level. So if you’re trying to get them past the Energy link in the Chain of Seduction by having a high enough energy level, you having a high enough energy level is going to affect them indirectly and help them get past this link in the chain.

One of the most important things to realize is that very often people don’t manage their energy levels very well. It’s a common flaw that when we are tired we look to our partners to supply us with some of their energy, to make ourselves feel better and have enough energy. Often a relationship that is starting to struggle, you’ll see a lot of the fights that they have are really about wanting energy. I need you to do something for me. I need you to give me some of your energy. I need you to support me in some way. I need you to give or be present or do things for me that is going to increase my energy level, that is going to make me feel better. You’re fighting over the scraps of energy left.

So often one of the things you need to do to get through this Energy link in the Chain of Seduction is to more effectively manage your own energy level. There are three basic ways people mismanage their Energy.


Not Relaxing

The first one is they never actually fully relax. They never find ways to truly regain their Energy. It’s often the case that we do things we think are fun, and we say are relaxing, but are actually enormous Energy expenditures. If the thing was truly relaxing you wouldn’t feel tired afterwards. You wouldn’t feel just wasted and exhausted. Some of these things that are more truly relaxing tend to be a lot slower, they tend not to involve the internet and they tend not to involve enormous expense and plans and things that we are throwing ourselves into.

As a great example take people going to Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. They’re going for a vacation. The purpose of a vacation is to relax. But it requires an enormous amount of money. It requires months of planning ahead. Then you fly down, and then you’re driving around, and then you’re standing in line, and it’s hot, and you’re tired, and hungry, and by the time you’re coming home from your relaxing vacation you might need to go back to work to recover. Not crapping on Disney World, it’s a wonderful place, I love it, but it’s not necessarily relaxing. So finding ways to truly relax are important.


Over Committed

The second way people mismanage Energy is they are over committed to structural parts of their life where they are obligated to continue expending lots of Energy in maintaining something whether they want to or not. These are Energy expenses you can’t really take a break from. So if you got the house that is just way too big, you are forced into spending all the money on the mortgage, you are forced into cleaning more space than you actually use. You are forced into furnishing a much bigger space than you want to use and there are all these structural factors requiring you to expend more energy than you necessarily really want to.

Another example of that are social groups and events and things that you are just over committed to. Please join the committee to do the thing that no one else wants to do. It’s just going to take you every other Wednesday for the next six months to put on the big event that everyone’s going to enjoy, and you’ll never actually really get to enjoy it, you’re just going to be glad that it’s over. The six months of effort is finally over and now you can relax. The enjoyment of the thing is that it’s over. So we get caught up in being over scheduled, over committed and just sort of forced by social pressures into expending more energy than we want to.


Total Waste of Energy

The third way that really drains Energy is that sometimes you’re doing things that are a complete waste of Energy. These are things that you are actively committing yourself to, to screw up your life. These are any of the addictions, whether it is smoking, drinking, gambling, whatever it is. They are just things that are designed to suck the life out of you, you may get some kind of enjoyment from them, but they really do just drain your Energy. Usually you’re getting some sort of dopamine hit from whatever it is that you’re doing. They tend to be addictive and the solution to those ones is you just have to stop.



So this is all a much bigger topic than I can cover in a 6 minute video. Shameless plug, The Mindful Attraction Plan is a book all about managing your Energy. I wrote that a number of years ago. The heart of it though, is (1) you’re doing some sort of problem with fake relaxation, (2) you’re over committed, overscheduled with structural things requiring you to keep expending your Energy, and (3) sometimes you’re just doing dumb stuff throwing your Energy away for no reason at all.

Your Energy level really affects your partner’s Energy level, and sometimes all these fights about nothing are just a couple who aren’t relaxing, who are over extended, and wasting their Energy. The fights about nothing are fights about the scraps of Energy left in the relationship. So you have to self manage your Energy, you have to try and get them to self manage theirs, and as both of your Energy levels improve and increase, the whole Energy link in The Chain of Seduction becomes remarkably easy to pass.

The Energy link can be incredibly easy to pass or it can be incredibly difficult to pass if you’ve dug yourself a really big hole.

So anyway, I’m going to leave it there. Next time I come back I’ll talk about the Initiation link and one of the biggest misconceptions about that link, and I will talk to you tomorrow.

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