#41 Initiation – The Fifth Link of the Chain of Seduction

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. So today we’re up to the Initiation link in the Chain.

The surprise that I mentioned yesterday is that most of what falls under the Initiation link, tends to be non-sexual initiation as opposed to sexual initiation. I want you to widen your scope. This is not just how do I get sex? How do I ask for sex? What’s the right way to approach them for sex? It’s really about widening the scope of Initiation, to seeing almost all interactions that you’re doing with your partner, all your little bids for attention, all your attempts to flirt and to play and to instigate things, that these are the things that are falling under the Initiation link.

To put it in context, if you look at the Attraction link, that’s asking the questions like do you have some sort of awesome career? Are you generally sort of edgy and fun? Are you generally showing good leadership? Are you generally smart? They all tend to be non-specific. The Initiation link says okay, take that attractiveness and then focus it on your partner, direct it toward your partner in an engaging, fun way. Most of it is going to be non-sexual and some of it will be.

I think this goes a long way to clear up the perspective that a lot of men have. In fairness this is something that I’ve said for many, many years, is that it explains why women don’t initiate very much. Women don’t at least initiate the sex very much, but women do tend to initiate an awful lot else. They initiate wanting to talk to you. They initiate wanting to do chores with you. They initiate wanting to hang out together. They initiate activities that you and the family can do. Women tend to initiate a great many things.

Part of the problem is that if they’ve heard a lot of no messages: No I don’t want that for dinner. No I don’t want to go to do the thing. No I don’t want to have a conversation with you. No I don’t want to know what’s happening with the children. No, no, no, no, no. If a woman has heard a lot of no messages during the day and then you come and ask for sex, she’s going to think the only thing he wants me for is sex. And that’s when the guy gets the no. No, I’m not interested.

Another really big part of the Initiation link is you have to be aware that your initiations need to be positive, friendly, fun, engaging, uplifting, as opposed to negative, depressive, dull and boring. This is after all one of the dopamine-related links in The Chain of Seduction. This is meant to be enticing. It’s meant to be stimulating. It’s meant to be fun. And when you initiate with a negative approach, you’re actually trying to trigger a negative response to you. So a grumpy, down sexual initiation is going to get a grumpy, down response. You’re going to get the no. And you are far more likely to get a positive response if you’re being fun, engaging, upbeat and enjoyable to be with.

In terms of sexual initiations themselves, sometimes I think you get a false negative when the relationship is in a bad place. You might have some critical failures in the earlier links in The Chain of Seduction, so the Physical, Attractiveness, Comfort, Energy. You may be failing significantly somewhere there, which would preclude you ever having a successful sexual initiation. So you can ask for sex in the perfect, right way but if there’s a problem somewhere else you’re going to be declined the sex. The other thing to think about when you’re making sexual initiations is that a lot of your response tends to be based on the overall Relationship Momentum. When the relationship is in an amazingly good place, you can actually make really lame initiations for sex and succeed because the relationship’s in a fantastic place. Likewise when the relationship is hanging on by a thread, it’s really bad, the situation is tense, you can make a perfect initiation attempt and you can end up not getting any sex for it.

So a lot of your response to your initiations is going to be based on the overall Relationship Momentum. So sometimes you’re doing the perfectly right thing but you have to play the relationship out, slowly increase the Relationship Momentum and then get a better response to the sexual initiations you make.

So in summary, remember your initiations need to be generally positive. That your initiations need to be all purpose interest in the relationship, that you are interested in hanging out. You are instigating. You are playful. You want to do things. Let’s do chores together. Let’s relax together. That you are wanting to do things with your partner more than just having sex with them. Relax into the sense that you can be making perfect initiations, but the goal is simply to have positive experiences and improve the overall Relationship Momentum. If you focus on that long enough,then eventually the sex will come and things will get a whole lot easier. Don’t freak out about not getting sex immediately when you are first starting this process. Just widen the scope, hang out, do things together, instigate, be playful and in time things will improve and you’ll get the sex that you want.

That’s about it. So obviously there’s only one link left. Tomorrow we will talk about the Consummation link. I hope you like the video. Please like, share, comment, subscribe, all that good internet stuff, and I will talk to you tomorrow.

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