#45 Everything Was Working Great, Now She’s Cold

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is Relationship Momentum.

Today I want to talk about a dynamic I’ve seen many, many times where the husband has read the books, watched the videos, or is looking at stuff online and has realized that he’s given away all of his personal attractiveness and has been going completely overboard in terms of trying to create Relationship Comfort.

He starts putting into practice the things that are going to make him more attractive, and at the same time he tends to reduce doing the things that are intended to create Relationship Comfort. He stops orbiting her. He stops acting like the butler. He stops saying yes to every little thing that she suggests or demands he do, and he takes a little more time for himself. He hits the gym. He dresses better and basically holds himself in greater confidence and starts pushing back on some of her less attractive, more testing behavior.

This all tends to work extremely well. Usually what happens, the wife or girlfriend becomes at first a little annoyed and then she starts acting a little better and then she’s more attracted, she’s happier and things seem to be going great.

Then all of a sudden it’s like the relationship  falls off a cliff.

She shuts down. She reverts back to everything that she was doing, and now he’s faced with this much, much colder, more reserved, withdrawn wife or girlfriend. He does not know why, because it was all working. He was doing all the right stuff and now it’s suddenly blowing up on him.

At this point the temptation is to double down doing the things that were making him more attractive. So hit the gym even more, dress even better, flirt with other women and absolutely push back on any question of her bad behavior. Assert himself more.

That often makes it even worse.

The trouble is he’s swung the pendulum from being far to focused on creating Comfort, and nothing on Attraction, and now he’s all in on being Attractive and nothing on Relationship Comfort.

Most women are going to push back on that and complain, you know, you’re not paying attention to me any more. You’re being a whole lot less nice. You’re kind of being a jerk and I’m not really happy with it. If he reads that as she’s just testing him and he pushes back on that, it’s going to go really badly because she’s actually requesting that he act appropriately, normally, pleasantly, affectionately, all things that she needs from the relationship. These are reasonable requests. Her request that you not be a jerk is a reasonable request and it should be honored.

If she has generally high self esteem, feels confident in herself, and pushes back on that, and he dpes some sort of course correction and evens it out, things can go reasonably well.

But particularly with the women who have some kind of low self esteem, some kind of anxiety disorder, are generally stressed out, often what happens is they fear the end of the relationship is coming. Look at him, he hit the gym, he lost the weight, he’s dressing better and there either must be someone else that he’s doing this for. it can’t all be for me because I have low self esteem. He’s planning for it to be for someone else, he’s planning an exit and I can’t really do anything to stop it. So they shut down. They withdraw. Everything closes up shop because they just think the end of the relationship is coming and there is nothing they can do about it.

If they are open, warm, affectionate and give up sex and connect to him, when he finally decides to leave that’s going to hurt so much more than if they just decided to drop out of the relationship while it’s still kind of intact.

So if again, if she has any kind of anxiety disorder, low self esteem, or just feels crappy about herself, doesn’t feel that she could ever keep up in terms of Attractiveness, sometimes they will just shut down, withdraw, give up and go completely non-responsive. The guy can look amazing, can be in tremendous shape, awesome dress, flirty, fun, engaging, the life of the party, everyone thinks he’s hot. Meanwhile the wife is thinking he’s just going to leave. There’s nothing I can do. I’m not going to be mad I’m just going to be really sad about it and not feel at all responsive.

You really have to be careful on going overboard on forcing Attraction and ignoring Relationship Comfort. I mean absolutely, if you have been living a whole plan, a whole strategy where you just bent over backwards to create Relationship Comfort and you’re fat, unattractive, all that sort of stuff, then absolutely you do have to swing the pendulum back towards creating Attraction and getting in shape., But you can’t swing it all the way in the other direction and create a new problem and not expect for it to somehow blow up in your face.

Very often, especially with women with some kind of anxiety issues or fragile history or whatever it is, often one of the things that really made them feel truly comfortable about being in a relationship with you in the first place, was that they could actually feel safe and secure in the relationship with you. If you take that away you’re taking away one of the most important things that they were getting from the relationship.

So be conscious of which way are you swinging the pendulum. The ideal is to create some form of balance, that you’re going to hit all these links that you need to hit in the Relationship Momentum model. That you’re going to work on your Fitness, that you’re going to create Attraction, that you’re going to create Comfort, that you’re sensitive to Energy levels, you’re going to be engaging and fun and flirty in terms of Initiations, and with Consummation the sex is good. It’s all about balance. Bringing your best self to the relationship and having them respond to that.

You just have to be sensitive that some people who are a little bit fragile, low self esteem, low confidence, anxiety issues, whatever, they are going to be particularly sensitive to the Relationship Comfort question, that particular link.

So that’s about it. Going to leave it there. Hope you liked the video. Please like, share, comment and subscribe and I will talk to you tomorrow.


  1. Eglasias says

    Aye ya ya. First she’s not fucking you because you’re not attractive enough anymore. So you to get attractive again. Now she won’t fuck you because you are too attractive???

    I am not questioning your theory. I bet you are correct. I am questioning why any sane man would put up with that kind of treatment.

    • atholkay says

      They may well get to that place of understanding and eventually leave her. But before they get there, they often need to go through a progress of building attraction and doing what they can to try and see if she’ll respond. I *never* have a guy that starts contact with me just wanting to leave his wife, they all want to try and fix it somehow. Sometimes that’s even against my advice that a situation is unfixable.

      So the guys work on becoming more attractive. Sometimes the wife responds to that, and that’s great. But sometimes it just becomes clear that nothing he’ll do is going to get the change he wants. Either way though, he’s better off for building attractiveness. It either works for his current wife, or for future women he’ll be in a relationship with.

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