#50 Unconditional Love

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is Relationship Momentum. Today I’m going to talk about unconditional love. I really like this concept on one hand, and I’m kind of a little creeped out by it on the other. I think there’s a little bit of a trap with it.

So let’s talk about the good. That whole idea of for richer for poorer, in sickness and health. The assumption the two of you are a team, and your relationship is going to have highs and lows. You should enjoy the highs together and when the lows hit you don’t bust up the relationship. Sometimes you’ll be up and they’ll be down, and sometimes you’re down and they’re up. Everything will sustain itself and you’re going to have a good, happy life together with a lot of trust and commitment and contentment that this is a process.

That’s all fabulous. I totally buy into that. On the other hand though, sometimes it’s not really a question of for richer, for poorer, or in sickness and in health. Sometimes it’s like your relationship changes from a situation where you used to be a pair of dogs pulling a dog sled, but you’ve started to realize the other dog is sitting in the back of the sled. You’re the one doing all the work, doing all the pulling, and the only one really contributing to the entire relationship. Then they start having the demand that you will put up with this arrangement. You have to keep doing all the work, working around their personal problems, working around their issues, walking on eggshells forever. You have to keep doing that forever because you need to love them unconditionally.

I’ve now seen a number of times where the person demanding unconditional love, are doing things that are absolutely outrageous. If it were communicated to people outside the relationship what they were doing, the people listening would be shocked at the situation. Only people behaving badly demand unconditional love. Really when they’re demanding unconditional love, what they’re saying is I need you to have no personal boundaries. I need you to have no backbone with dealing with my crap. I need you to just suck it up and tolerate it and not to complain about it. Also you need to somehow find a way to be attracted to me, excited to be with me and happy about being in this relationship. I’ll continue to act in highly inappropriate ways, crap all over you and give you no sense that I’ll ever get any better.

The only people who demand something as outrageous as unconditional love of their partner, know they don’t meet the conditions to be in a relationship. If you met them for the first time acting as they are acting now, and they were demanding that you tolerate such outrageous behavior, there wouldn’t be a second date. There sure as hell wouldn’t be a third date.

The only people that demand unconditional love, don’t met the condition of normal adult behavior. If you really want to think about it with icy cool reasoning… their demand is that you must love them with unconditional love, and if you don’t love exactly that way, often there’s a lot of pushback on you. See what really happens is the demand for unconditional love, is their condition on you for this relationship staying together.

The demand for unconditional love is a condition, because when you don’t act with this perfect unconditional love to please them, boy do they get mad. Boy do they get upset. Boy do they let you know that you aren’t acting right. Because you know what, if they’re demanding you love them with unconditional love, they don’t love you with unconditional love.

 

It’s a lot to think about. But don’t get me wrong, the whole thing of for richer, for poorer, in sickness, in health, being a team, working through the highs and the lows together, I totally buy into that. Life is long, marriage is for a long, long time. You’re going to have ups and you’re going to have downs. You’re going to have highs and lows. This is all normal. All totally normal, and it makes so much sense to be on the same team and committed to seeing something through.

But let me tell you, when one half of the couple just throws down their tools and says I ain’t gonna do nothin’, I don’t care about you and you have to do all the work, it’s kind of abusive.  And they use that big old unconditional love hammer to beat you, to do everything that they want to do, while they don’t do much. Remember if they’re demanding unconditional love, that’s because they aren’t meeting the conditions of being in a relationship with them. And unconditional love on you is their condition.

So on that note, I hope you had a great day. I’m busy, busy, busy. Please like, share, comment and subscribe. And I will talk to you tomorrow. Catch you later.

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