#54 Mutual Submission Deadlocks

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is Relationship Momentum. So today I have a reader question and let’s jump to it

“Please expand upon the dual submissive/ dual responsive deadlock. How do you break that without either party feeling unfulfilled? I know that the LGBTQ community is much more aware of that and basically tries to seek out only complementary partners or have an open relationship so each person can find their better match in bed. However heterosexuals don’t seem to have this on their radar much except maybe the kink world.”

Okay, so Submissive and Responsive, these are two of the Six Brands of Sexuality. Essentially Submissives get the greatest pleasure out of being given direction in bed. Responsives get the greatest level of pleasure out of seeing their partner’s response in bed. If a couple is a mixture of Submissives and Responsives, often there is this sort of stalemate where each of them waits for the other person to do something.

Alrighty, so LGBTQ more aware. Yes they are, absolutely they are more aware because they’ve had to bring their sexuality into conscious, rational thought to figure out their sexuality. They’ve had to think about what they like, what they want, what turns them on, what they want from a relationship, because in order to come out and identify as LGBTQ they’ve had to think about this consciously.

Most heterosexuals don’t necessarily think any of this through, and assume I like the opposite sex and sex is going to be awesome. Then they get into a long term relationship, and they’ve never really figured out necessarily what it was that they liked, what it was that really turns them on.

Sometimes you discover hey we’re both Submissives, or we’re both Responsives, and when we first got together we were just so turned on everything worked, because we were making moves on each other. Now we’re sort of overwhelmed by kids and life and money and stress. Now we’re wanting our own particular brand of sexuality more, and when we don’t get it we get frustrated. Then we get mad, then we get sad, and then we don’t make a move anymore. And your partner is mad and sad and they don’t make a move anymore either.

You both still love each other, you’re both attracted to each other, you’re both turned on by each other and then you lie awake at night in bed going, “Why don’t they make the move?” Why don’t they make the move? You know what I’m going to wait. I’m going to wait. I’m going to wait until they make the move.” And then like four months later goes by and no one’s touching nobody and it’s like this is a terrible, terrible plan.

I think the answer is exactly what you had in your question, being conscious.

I think that gay people have a far better idea what turns them on, are more expressive about it, and more relaxed about saying what works for them. So you kind of have to adopt some of that for your own relationship. You have to realize okay we just have this sort of soft barrier to our sexuality in terms of we just need to push through this little barrier to get to what we want.

The soft barrier for Submissives is actually a little half step in the direction of being dominant. Saying what you want. Telling your partner what to do to you. The soft barrier for Responsives is getting through your own sort of inertia and going you know what, if I just do what my partner really likes and really turns them on, once I’m through that they’re going to be turned on and that’s what I’m going to enjoy.

It’s consciously admitting there’s a soft barrier. When you’re exhausted and the relationship isn’t in a perfect place, that soft barrier can seem like a 20 foot tall solid wall. But it only stays like that if you decide to let it stay that way. The truth is it’s a soft barrier. You can just knock it down and get through the first couple of minutes of not necessarily being perfectly turned on, couple of minutes of feeling frustrated like why do I have to tell them what I want, and just push trough.

If you can both become conscious of it, that can be really, really helpful. If you’re Submissive and they’re Submissive sometimes you’ve just got to say we’ve got to take turns at this. I really love you and I know you love me and we’re happy together but sometimes we’ve just got to take turns. Someone’s got to take the lead. Someone’s got to make the move.

It’s the same if you’re both Responsive. Someone’s got to make that first move, get it started, do what their partner likes, or act a little more turned on than you necessarily feel in the moment at the beginning. Then acting a little more turned on and a little more expressive for a minute or two to get the thing started and your partner interested. This may be all it needs. Push through the soft barrier, get through that initial frustration, and then it’s good.

It’s not necessarily how you feel at the beginning of the sexual experience that’s the benchmark of how good the sexual experience was. It can be frustrating at the beginning and you can feel a whole lot better at the end.

You only need these Brands of Sexuality fulfilled once in a while to sort of feel good and normal. Like if you’re a Submissive, you don’t necessarily need to be on the receiving end of super dominant sex every single time. You may need this once in a while to feel fulfilled but not necessarily every single time. So sometimes this turn taking thing can be enough to get you what you want.

I think we crave the things that we don’t get. I think most of us are happy with vanilla sex for the most part, but we need our particular Brand of Sexuality to hit us reasonably strongly at least once in a while. So take turns, push through the soft barrier. Get through the initial awkwardness, then get to really enjoy the sex for what it is and what you have.

So probably a long answer. Probably not necessarily the perfect snap your fingers and three quick trips…three quick tips to make it all magically go away. You’ve just got to take turns, push through the soft barrier.

Anyway that’s about it. Hope you like the video. Please like, share, comment, subscribe and all that good internet stuff. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

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