#57 Settling vs True Agreement

 

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is Relationship Momentum.

So today I’m following along with a series of thoughts that I had immediately after shooting yesterday’s video, about the difference between wedding vows and the True Agreements that people make when they decide to get married. Like what’s the bedrock fundamental principle thing that they’re deeply committed to, and they want when they get married.

The thought that hit me afterwards was what are people’s True Agreements with themselves? What is your True Agreement with your sense of identity, of what you are, what you do, what your life is meant to be. What did you think for yourself that your life is going to be? Are you meeting that agreement or are you somehow just straight up disappointing yourself? Are you hard on yourself because you’re not doing the things that you thought you were going to do? Are you hard on yourself for not being the person you thought you were going to be. Are you breaking your True Agreement with yourself?

So I thought that was a really good idea, and then I went grocery shopping with Jen and as we were going through the grocery store I had a second realization. Sometimes the deep problem is people make a True Agreement with the marriage, like they commit to the marriage, they buy into the marriage, but that True Agreement is not congruent with their own True Agreement about themselves.

Or putting it another way… people settle.

They settle for the marriage. They settle for this relationship with this person because it meets some need that they have, or it’s going to get them something they want. But it breaks the agreement with themselves. So this is why you have this situation where people can be committed to a marriage, they can say it’s good, but there’s something dead or slowly dying in themselves. They progressively get more depressed and disconnected from who they truly think they are and what they want to do with their life.

That to me was an epiphany because now I can see in so many situations that someone has bought into a marriage and they’ve broken their own agreement with themself. It’s the missing piece of the puzzle for a few situations that I can think of.

The follow up question is why do people do this? Why do people break an agreement with themselves to buy into something that is never really going to make them as happy as they could be otherwise?

I think sometimes people do this for good intentions. They buy into a marriage because it’s the right thing to do, because they’ve reached a certain age, because they’re meant to have a family. They’re meant to want to have children. That this is someone appropriate to their faith. There are plenty of reasons where marrying is the “right thing to do”.

Or alternatively this person they’re with is the “right person” they should marry. They tick off a whole bunch of boxes that everyone else thinks is a really good idea to marry, so just go ahead and do it and all the positive feelings will eventually come. But then if it’s breaking their own True Agreement, even if that person is great it’s not necessarily going to make them happy being with them. Over the long term it can become their own personal, private hell. Never quite having what they want, yet from the outside it all looks good. The perfect catch, the perfect match and the envy of your friends… supposedly.

It all comes down to what is your own True Agreement with yourself. If you’re not going to meet your own requirements for being a good person or a successful person, whatever it is you actually truly value on a deep level, you’re never going to be happy in a relationship. You’ll slowly but surely make the other person unhappy as well, because you were never going to get your own True Agreement met. No one else can meet your True Agreement for you.

I know in saying that, there’s a risk people will automatically default into some sort of just selfish mode of oh I’ll just do whatever the hell I want and my partner won’t matter. I’m just going to bail and follow some flight of fantasy of something that’s never going to happen. I do think there’s a risk to this line of thinking that people do that. I think you have to be really clear to yourself that your own True Agreement is achievable, realistic, will match your personality or match your skill set, and be something that’s going to provide benefit to other people. It should make you a better person as opposed to an all purpose excuse to follow whatever narcissistic dream that you have.

But yeah, that’s my thought for the day. What is your own True Agreement with yourself? Who are you? Who are you and what do you want to be? What drives you, makes you happy and is achievable? Can you commit to it? Can you find a way to live in the world where you are living a good, happy life and benefiting those around you?

I think if you have that, your relationship with your partner becomes a whole lot easier because you’re not trying to wring something out of them to satisfy this gaping need in you that you’re not meeting.

So anyway, that was my thought for the day. I’m sure this is a much bigger topic than just this short video. I’m going to think about it a whole lot more. So anyway, hope you like the video. Please like, share, comment, subscribe, all that good internet stuff. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

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