Learn about the six possible reasons that your partner won’t have sex with you.
Hi my name is Athol Kay and this is a video about the six reasons your partner won’t have sex with you or sex is declining, going away, less than it should be.
There really are only six possible reasons, and the truth of the matter is only one of them really likely has anything to do with you. I know that when you’re in a relationship where you’re not getting the sex, very often there’s the sense of “there is something wrong with me. I’m not doing something right. I’m not attractive. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not hot enough. I’m not good enough. They are rejecting me.”
And the truth is there’s probably only one of those reasons that is really, really about you. So let’s just run through them.
The first one is that there is something medical going on. Something medical that is reducing their libido away to not much. That can be either some sort of disease they have, it can be changes in their endocrine system, it can be the medications they’re on. There are plenty of medications that really, really affect people’s sex drive. It’s often the case too that they have hormonal imbalances. If it’s a case where the husband basically has next to no testosterone, there is nothing the wife can do to gain his attention sexually.
So the starting point is always dig into all the medications they’re on and all the things that are potentially wrong with them, and often a starting point is getting checked out by a doctor to see, just where did libido go?
2. Heavy Porn Use
The second one is heavy duty porn use, and this is pretty much rampant these days. It’s very rarely I come across a couple where there is not some degree of porn use that’s having some sort of interference. Essentially if the half of the couple that is into heavy porn use is sending all their sexual energy in the direction somewhere else other than you, they’re going to be basically hooked into it, connected to it, and not interested in you. All their energy is going elsewhere. So unless you can find all the porn use and stop it, they will never turn their full attention back to you. So well worth digging into is there some sort of secondary source where all their energy is going.
3. Someone Else
Closely tied to that is the third one of it’s not just merely porn use and their interest is going that way, but there’s actually somebody else in the picture that they are becoming emotionally and mentally or physically engaged with. Basically, are they having an affair? Is there someone else? This can happen relatively quickly, or it can slowly creep up, but if you’re seeing really marked changes in their behavior, changing in their dress, changing how they treat you, some sort of sudden change, and you have that sort of sixth sense dread that there is someone else, it’s well worth checking into because… maybe.
And just like the porn, if they are already deeply engaged with somebody else, you simply trying to make yourself better and more interesting and fun to them is not necessarily going to pull their attention back if they’re completely hooked into this other person.
4. Major Trauma
The fourth reason is there’s some sort of major trauma in their life and that may very well pre-date you by quite some time. So if you have the situation where they’ve been sexually abused as children, or teenagers, they’ve been an adult and they’ve had some sort of other rape or other serious trauma, often there comes a point where they have some sort of blockage in terms of wanting to be sexual with potentially anyone.
It’s also possible that some of that trauma has come with you, especially if you have been in any way abusive or if you’ve had any sense of genuine neglect, where they sort of reach that critical moment of being incredibly, incredibly hurt and then they shut down. If that’s the case, you probably know what that incident is.
For the most part I’m seeing most of the serious blockages for this stuff coming from some sort if childhood sexual abuse or sexual victimization once they’re older. This tends to be mostly women but obviously still can be guys. But that’s the fourth one…some sort of major trauma. And obviously the solution to that is some sort of counseling follow-up and that sort of stuff. And again it’s not necessarily anything to do with you.
5. Secret Secondary Reason They Married You
So the fifth reason is that there is some sort of primary reason they got married and in a relationship with you other than wanting to be with you. So what I mean by that is that there is some sort of elephant in the room, there’s some sort of secret, where they got married to basically have some sort of sense of security and safety and almost hide within the relationship. So one of the most common reasons this happens is that they are gay. They are gay or lesbian and they’ve gotten married, to basically hide trying to have this so called normal life without coming out. As that secret starts coming out more and more, that’s when the relationship starts to break down. So this is one of the reasons I’m pro gay marriage because not having gay marriage hurts heterosexuals sometimes in quite terrible ways. Aanyone that has been around helping married couples and has come across his problem sees it for exactly what it is.
The other sort of secrets that I’ve come across is the one with someone wanted a Green Card, they wanted access to the United States, and basically said whatever they needed to say, did whatever they needed to do, to get in. The other reason I see is people just wanting to escape their abusive relationship, escape their abusive family, and someone came along, offered them a relationship, and it just looked like a parachute and they grabbed onto it and escaped from wherever they are. So if they got married to hide something and escape something, for reasons other than being with you, wanting to be with you, that often is part of the problem where once they are married the sex suddenly takes a dive. You might have had a really hot, fun good engagement but then as soon as you get married suddenly the sex is gone.
6. You Aren’t Attractive Enough
Reason number six in a sense the simplest one but also the most painful one, and that is they simply don’t find you attractive because you have let what you’ve done for attraction slide away.
Once they were attracted to you, but not so much now, because you are no longer doing the things that they found attractive in the first place. So in that case, there’s something rather more you can do then in terms of finding ways to make yourself more attractive, finding ways to make yourself more appealing.
It’s always a good thing to maximize your attractiveness, but it’s also really, really worth digging in to this six reason matrix of what it could be in order to find out the true scenario. Because no doubt you simply felt you’re not attractive, you’re not wanted, you’re not lovable, but like I say, if it is medical, if there’s something wrong with their endocrine system, it doesn’t matter what you do to increase your attractiveness, they aren’t going to want to have sex with you.
If they’re on a medication that is totally destroying their libido, it doesn’t matter what you do, that’s always going to be some sort of problem. So is it medical or medications? Is it some sort of major relationship trauma? Is it some sort of sexual abuse? Do they have a really, really deep porn habit? Are they having an affair? Are they trying to hide something else entirely? Or is it you? And if it is you, you can do things to change it. And if it’s not you, you owe it to yourself to dig in to find out exactly what it is that’s going on.
And that’s about it. There’s really only six reasons.