Three Critical Mistakes Guys Make in Relationships

Hi there, my name is Athol and in this video I’m going to give you the three critical mistakes that guys make in their relationships.

You can have one of these critical mistakes, you can have two of these mistakes or you can have all three of these critical mistakes. But almost invariably these are the root causes for relationship failure. So it’s super important to know exactly what these three are.

 

Critical Mistake One – Not Enough Alpha

The first critical mistake that guys make is they don’t have enough Alpha. They give up their personal power. They stop doing all the things that were making them attractive in their relationship in the first place. They neuter their personality and they start sacrificing their own happiness for no real gain in the relationship.

When you give up your power, you give up your attractiveness. When you sacrifice your own happiness for someone else, there is nothing left of you for your wife or girlfriend to be attracted to. As her attraction to you drops, her happiness starts to fall away and she becomes less and less interested in you. There’s less and less payoff for her to be in a relationship with you because you’ve become less and less attractive.

She loses attraction for you, just as you would lose attraction to her if she cut off all her hair, stopped wearing makeup, got a major breast reduction down to less than an A cup, didn’t dress nice any more and generally made herself as frumpy and unappealing as possible.

Many women experience a sense of confusion as they lose attraction to their husbands and boyfriends. It’s this loss of male Alpha they are experiencing.

 

Critical Mistake Two – Not Enough Beta

The second mistake that guys can make is what’s known as they just don’t have any Beta. They take the relationship for granted while they are busy off doing other things. There are so many guys that can work twelve, fourteen hour days and just assume the little woman at home is completely fine with it. Meanwhile she’s starting to feel desperately lonely, neglected or unwanted. Guys that lack Beta are often unable to express any kind of true, genuine emotion. They come across as not really intimate, not emotionally connected to her, and often the wife or girlfriend is just slowly dying on the inside.

Many guys don’t even perceive that their wife is signaling true relationship distress, or they can also just completely ignore it. Some guys are so disconnected they don’t even realize there is a problem. They are oblivious to the reality that they are in a relationship with someone who has hopes, dreams, needs and an emotional state looking for connection. They provide no relationship comfort. So that’s the second critical error, no Beta.

 

Critical Mistake Three – Weak Relationship Repair Skills

A husband can be genuinely positively motivated to fix his relationship, but lack the skills to do it. They can love their wife. They can want the relationship to work, but struggle to know what to do to repair it. They don’t know how to recreate that attraction and relationship comfort.

It’s also problematic in that they can be positively motivated but their clumsiness and attempts to repair, make things actively worse and hasten the decline of their relationship. Or they can wait far too long to make an attempt to repair. They can see it’s getting worse, not know how to fix it so ignore it, and it gets persistently worse.

Most guys tend to be either really good at the Alpha and attraction building stuff, or tend to be naturally good at the Beta and relationship comfort building stuff. When the relationship is starting to struggle and fail, they often double down on what they are good at and do even less of what they’re not good at. The trouble with that is if you’re already high Alpha and low Beta, well you being even more Alpha and less Beta is only making the situation worse.

The opposite is true as well. If you are already high Beta low Alpha, and you get even higher Beta and lower Alpha, that also makes the situation worse.

And the common flip flopping of “Oh my god I was all Alpha, now I have to be all Beta” , or “I was all Beta and now I have to be all Alpha.” That can have a short term improvement, because at last she finally gets the thing that she was looking for, but then if you are now going over the top to the extreme in a different direction, it’s only going to give you a short term result.

Learning about the Alpha and Beta Traits is a mind-blowing experience for a lot of guys, and they often make huge attempts to put things right once they learn them. They’re incredibly excited to finally have the answer. Unfortunately they can also get incredibly frustrated because they don’t get an instant fix from applying the solution. Often they give up too soon and stop doing the things that if they persisted with it would improve and fix their relationship. They go back to what they were doing before that wasn’t working and they don’t let the relationship heal and fix itself over time.

It’s a little bit like if you broke your leg, you got a cast put on, and then one week into wearing the cast you’re like, “Well this cast hasn’t fixed my broken leg. Let me just cut the damn cast off and I’ll figure out how to do it myself.”  Sometimes you really do just have to do not a whole heck of a lot, wear the cast for six to eight weeks and let that slow healing process work and then we can talk about taking the cast off and you walking on it. Sometimes you’ve got to heal before you can walk, and you’ve got to walk before you can run and all that sort of stuff.

 

Summary

So essentially what I do with my work, with my books, with the video series, with the coaching, what I’m trying to do with this channel is give the guys the ability to learn the skills to be a little more Alpha, give them the skills to learn how to be a little more Beta and give them the repair tools that they need in order to fix their relationships.

You can certainly get a lot of benefit from the books. I think you’ll get more benefit from the video series, and if you really want to fine tune it then that’s what the coaching is for. So this is what I’m trying to do. Teach guys how to be more Alpha, be a little more Beta, and how to get the repair tools that they need. The truth is most guys are pretty positively motivated. They don’t start relationships hoping to blow them up. They certainly have no desire to be divorced and they genuinely love their wives, it’s just a little bit of cluelessness sometimes and all they need is a little bit of a push in the right direction and learn the skills and your average guy can be a pretty good husband. It’s just giving them the tools to do it.

And that’s about it. Going to leave it there. That’s kind of what I do in a nutshell. More Alpha, more Beta, learning the skills to repair. And I will catch you next time.

His Career is Gone, But Wife is Attracted to Career Guys

Hi there, this is Athol. This is an episode of Ask Athol Anything. If you have a question for me you can send it to AskAtholAnything@gmail.com and it will perhaps become part of the show.

So let’s jump to today’s question. It’s a follow-up question to the earlier episode Stay at Home Dad and Acts of Service. So here’s the question: “What if you can’t figure out what attracted your wife to you in the first place? Or you suspect it was your potential earning power and you got laid low by the recession and your career never recovered.”

Okay, so that’s two questions, but I do have one thought that immediately jumps to mind. You won’t believe how many marriages started struggling in 2008 because of the global recession. I’ve had contact with people all over the world that had a decent high paying job, that took a big hit or got straight up unemployed through no fault of their own. All over the world, there were lots of marriages that I can look back on and I can see 2008 maybe 2009 as a real big crisis point for them. So that’s real.

So, if you can’t quite figure out what attracted your wife to you in the first place, I don’t know how to help you with that, because I don’t know your wife and I would need a much longer back and forth with you. I’d really need a coaching call of some description to figure out what she was particularly attracted to. I’d have to ask a lot more questions.

That being said, let’s run with the thought of maybe it was the earning power because that’s a real thing. There are women who really are attracted to a guy’s career status, his social standing, and part of that is income. That’s their type. That’s their brand of attraction. We all have different brands of attraction, different things we’re particularly interested in in the opposite sex.

So if your wife’s brand of attraction really is social status and you had a high profile career job, and now you’re a stay at home Dad, then yes that’s a real problem. That’s a structural problem. You can be doing great stuff at home, things can be running smoothly, but it’s really not necessarily going to float her boat in terms of how attracted she feels about you.

It’s particularly problematic if she works in a high status career and she’s getting to meet guys of high status with good careers, high paying jobs, because that’s her type. That really is a problem and I think you just have to admit that this is a structural issue. There is no amount of magical thinking that is going to change this. You can’t necessarily just be super alpha, playful, funny, engaging and leading at home and successfully overcome this sort of status defect that you now have. The only solution is finding a way to have some sort of second career. To have some sort of follow up to the life that you had.

Of course that’s incredibly easy for me to say, and I get that the reality is that it’s probably very hard to do. But it’s something that’s probably part of the equation. Anything more that you do over and above being a stay at home Dad is probably for the best. I’m not having any expectation that this is something that you can fix in six weeks. It may require some sort of schooling. It may require a couple years of really grinding away at something, not getting a whole bunch of money in order to be able to get yourself to the place where you can do that. But it’s probably going to be a big piece of the puzzle in terms of really attracting her.

Seeing this is the original questioner asking, who asked the stay at home Dad and Acts of Service. This may be why it’s hard to please her. If she is interested in Acts of Service, what that really means is she’s interested in Acts of Service from a high status guy. Which may be why you doing a whole bunch of Acts of Service is not really working if you are now a low status guy. Or at least a lower status guy than her perception of herself.

So it’s a hard, brutal answer, but the solution may have to be starting some sort of new story arc and really working on a second career. If only to get the hope of some sort of elevated income. But really, what to also take from this is I don’t think it necessarily has to be a super star ultra high performance thing. Something is going to be better than nothing. Something good is going to be better than something, and something great is better than something good, but every little bit helps. At this point we don’t actually know how good you need to be in order to sort of meet that minimum threshold of what she’s looking for.

Like I say though, if this is what she’s into, this is what she’s into. It’s not your fault, it’s not her fault, it’s just the way it is.

So that being said, I think I’m going to leave it there. I’ve really got to have a drink of water or something. I’m getting scratchy, I’m getting over my flu. So anyway, if you have a question for me, AskAtholAnything@gmail.com and until then, like, share, subscribe, comment, all that good internet stuff.

And I will catch you next time.

Boyfriend Lives in Another State With Another Girl

Hi there, this is Athol with an episode of Ask Athol Anything. If you have a question for me, you can send it to AskAtholAnything@gmail.com and it will perhaps become part of the show. So let’s jump to today’s question, and it’s a little bit of broken English so bear with me.

“My boyfriend and me were very happy and he wasn’t used to having a girlfriend who cares and loving. He didn’t know how to accept it. He told me it felt a bit much. So I would limit my affection and attention to him to things seem okay. To make things seem okay. He lives in City #1, and I live in City #2, which is in a different state and the cities are about an hour apart. And he showed signs that there was someone else. He said no, then he wanted a break, then he called it space and told me to give him space but he leaves his stuff at my place. Later I find out he has a girlfriend now so he’s scared of all my love and he’s just using her and giving me the impression that if it doesn’t work out he comes back to me. Now I just want him to come back and leave her. Help.”

Alrighty, so I’m not actually going to give you advice to try and get him back, for two reasons. One, I don’t think he’s going to want to come back and I think even if he did come back, you’re not really going to want him either. I did a video on the book He’s Just Not That Into You a couple weeks back, which would be helpful for you to watch.

Just look at all the red flags. He’s only saying he doesn’t know how to accept love, but he’s obviously accepting a different girls’ love with no problem. He doesn’t live with you. He lives in a different city. He lives in a different state. He lives with a different girl. Sure he might have left things at your place but he’s given you a whole bunch of really clear messages of he’s really just not that into you. He’s not interested and he would rather be with somebody else.

He’s only keeping you around because you’re an acceptable backup plan if his main choice, his number one choice of girl falls through and then he can bounce back to you. But really he’s not that interested in you.. You’ve given me no real evidence that he’s super into you and you’ve given me a lot of evidence that he’s not. So yeah, I think your biggest problem is that you’re keeping all his stuff at your place while he’s in a different state, a different city, with a different girl and basically just stringing you along. So honestly my advice would be to call him up and tell him to come get his stuff and if he doesn’t come get his stuff you’re just going to put it at the side of the road or you’re going to donate it to Goodwill or you’re basically just going to sell it all on eBay or whatever it is. He can’t have it both ways. He can’t be living with somebody else and having you be his personal storage unit while you wait by the phone and hope that he comes back.

One of the things I think you have to take from this experience, is to really internalize that just because your are into someone, doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to be into you. You have to really think through what it is that you are looking for in a relationship and what your minimum standards are to be in a relationship with someone. You have to at least be in a relationship with someone that wants to be in a relationship with you.

Even if he comes back and wants to be with you, that’s probably one of the worst outcomes because you’ve just trained him that he can treat you like dirt and you will take him back with no questions asked. Which only guarantees you will have more problems with him in the future. You can bring him back, you can convince him to marry you, but he’s not into you which means this whole thing will reassert itself at some point.

I know that’s the advice you didn’t really want to hear, but it’s the advice you needed to hear.

I’m gong to leave it there. If you can like, comment, share, subscribe and all that good internet stuff. If you have a question for me you can ask at AskAtholAnything@gmail.com or leave comments. I will hunt through for them.

And I will catch you next time.

Medication Issue, or Wife Just Not Interested?

Hi there, this is Athol and this is an Ask Athol Anything episode. If you have a question for me you can send it to askatholanything@gmail.com and it can be potentially part of the show. Let’s just jump to today’s question.

This was very long, it was like two and a half pages when I got it so I’m just going to give you the bullet points of the highlights of it. There was a lot of context here.

Her family was prejudiced against the relationship from the start. No issues except lack of sex from the start, and the little sex that they had she just lay there and sex was about every two months. (Now if you follow my stuff you know that I’m already thinking that is a massive, super massive, giant red flag.) She has a history of childhood trauma, some domestic violence and emotional abuse, potentially sexual but he didn’t know if that was true. They have two small kids together. I think they were like three and two. Wife had severe post-natal depression. She’s been on antidepressants since the birth of their second kid. In September her behavior suddenly changed a great deal. He discovered her affair in October. She says it was just a crush but he kind of doesn’t believe that. When it was caught or the affair fell through or whatever it was, she had a three day breakdown crying, couldn’t get off the couch. (That to me is also a really bad sign.) Some sort of break down or crying when an affair is discovered is pretty normal. Three days is excessive. “She now says she feels nothing for me. Acting like a total ice queen. Prior to this we were really close and she told everyone how much she loved me, etc.” Also back in the past about seven, eight years ago there was a one night stand with a work colleague. She told him about it and she was super distraught and apologetic. She has a super conservative religious family background. Still considers him an excellent father just has no feelings for him.

The question being is there some possibility that the SSRI medications she is on, are the reason she’s doing all of this, and her family and friends were thinking this was a possibility too. So that’s the question, is it medication induced or is it something else, and then what does he need to do from here.

Alrighty, so here’s my answer. And it’s not a whole bunch of good news to be honest. My hunch is that she’s just been struggling with a complete lack of real attraction or interest from the beginning.

It seems like she certainly valued you for your safety and security, and your general kindness and ability to parent. She’s valued you in this way, but that whole lack of sex and certainly that lack of interest in her having any kind of sex other than her just laying there, that’s just a major, major red flag.

I think she’s been advertising to all and sundry that the relationship has been good in part to smoke screen it and send that message out, but also in part to convince herself that everything is fine and she’s made this good decision to be with you.

Now the antidepressants themselves, yes indeed they really can cause mood changes, loss of attraction and cause erratic behavior and people to do all sorts of wild and crazy things. This is absolutely part of the potential side effects for these meds. But when I look at the history, yes she started acting erratically now, but it’s not aligned to when she started on the meds. Also she certainly has a whole bunch of behavior before the medication that’s really concerning. So I get the feeling that the medication may have played some role, but certainly her interest in her affair partner has pulled the veil off the illusion of the narrative that she’s been telling to you, her family, and herself all this time. That whole three day breakdown thing is a really big red flag as well because it, to me it means she was super interested and attracted and that was very real to her, and maybe not so real with you. So I don’t get the feeling it’s a sudden change of behavior I just get the sense it’s this sudden unveiling of the truth.

Perhaps the best example I can give for this are the cases where people who have done things like running gay conversion therapy clinics for a decade or more, and then it turns out in the end that they are in fact gay themselves. They had this whole narrative of anti-gay, but behind that they were actually gay the whole time. They didn’t suddenly turn gay.

So I think she’s just not been into you. She’s not been interested in the marriage. She’s made this conscious choice and settled and she’s had to advertise to herself as much as anyone that this is all good. I also suspect that this is part of the thing that’s going on with her family too. They were against you at the beginning, and then you guys got married, and now they are for the relationship. They might have seen some of the red flags early on and wanted to not have it happen, but now that you guys are married and there are two little kids and they think she’s going off the rails, they’re all certainly going to want you to stay in her life. Being completely honest, they likely think she might need a backup plan, some sort of safety net, and currently you’re the guy. So it’s logical that her family would you to stay committed to her.  It’s always a little hard to trust the other person’s parents and friends as to how much on your side they can truly be. They are almost always on your partner’s side, which is fine, why shouldn’t they be? But it’s hard to know sometimes whether they are fully acting in your interest as much as your partner’s.

Without knowing anything more about the affair in terms of what I was sent, it’s very hard to draw conclusions about how it started, how it was discovered, who the guy was, all that sort of stuff. I suspect there’s probably more to it than you’ve discovered or realized or found or she’s confessed to. That whole three day breakdown, crying, can’t get off the couch routine means it was significant. There’s far more than just a crush happening there. She’s probably reached this place where she can’t carry on the script where she’s this happily married woman and everything is fine.

Which is why she’s gone to this ice queen mode of yes I like you for your parenting but I have no other feelings for you. So you have to accept that at this point the marriage is probably over. She is probably not going to have any great revelation and want to come back. You have to find yourself a decent lawyer and start really planning ahead in terms of if this relationship is going to fail what do I need to do to protect myself, represent myself, and try and get the best out come for both of us and definitely the children.

Simply because the marriage is over doesn’t mean there aren’t ways you can have a peaceful end as opposed to a very dramatic one. I just get the sense that she’s done, and she probably deeply regrets getting married. This was probably a choice that made sense at the time but turned out to be harder than she thought. It’s the combination of (1) no particular interest in sex at the beginning, (2) that horrific three day crying spell when the affair was discovered, and now (3) the ice princess thing, that worries me.

I’ve now seen this style of scenario quite a few times. Once the lid is torn off and it’s really shown for what it is, they never really want to continue on with the relationship. It’s usually a slow death spiral from that point. So I think you’ve kind of got to lawyer up, accept the end, and play it through from there. I know that’s just not what you wanted to hear but I think it is the truth.

So anyway, all pretty sad. I’m going to leave it there. Feel free to like, comment, subscribe and all that good internet stuff.

And I will catch you next time.

How Can I Get My Husband to Read Your Book?

Hi there, this is Athol and this is an episode of Ask Athol Anything. Let’s just jump to the question.

Today’s question is, “How can I get my husband to read your book?”  The book the lady in question is referring to is The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 which is about how guys can become more attractive, take a little bit of a leadership role, become more assertive, more confident, and perhaps even a little more dominant in the bedroom. In short, it’s a how to of courting and wooing their wives like they used to in the old days. So the question “How can I get my husband to read your book” is a common one.

It’s a super common question because what most women want with the book, is to be able to pick it up, throw it at their husband like a boomerang and have it hit him somewhere in the middle of his forehead. Then suddenly have him transform into someone who’s in shape, making a little more money, more attractive, more confident, happier, more horny and seeking her out to have awesome sex and a great relationship.

The problem is the message of the Primer is if you want your partner to respond to you, then you have to become more attractive. You have to regain your personal power. Then you have to be willing to leverage that to get them paying greater attention to you and act more interested in you because you’re more interesting to them. So there’s this big disconnect in that a lot of women just read the book wanting it to be this magic bullet, when the core message of the book can apply to women just as well as it can apply to men.

So if you want him to pay greater attention to you, you’re going to have to gain his attention. You mention in your email to me that you’re getting frustrated and getting to the point where you’re feeling like you’re on the verge of an I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You statement. In all honesty that may actually be a requirement to get him to pay attention again. To break him out of his funk and realize something’s really going on .

What I suspect is you’ll probably get a greater sense of understanding about what it is that you need to do if you read the second book that I wrote, The Mindful Attraction Plan, which is far more co-ed and is going to spell out those steps that you need to take to gain that attention.

The other thing you laid out in the email was that he was making no real sexual advances. You didn’t think there was an affair. He was completely disinterested about reading a book that was going to get him laid more. He says he’s not depressed. He really doesn’t look after himself. He says he’s way too busy and basically spends most of his free time playing computer games.

So I also suspect there’s a possibility there’s more going on than just lack of interest in you. He may just be completely burnt out on game playing, have no particular dopamine response left for anyone or anything. There’s also the possibility he has low testosterone and he’s disinterested in sex because his hormones are just out of whack. So there’s a few things why that could be a factor in terms of why he’s not particularly responsive. But even then, if you’re not sort of maximized in your own attractiveness, your own personal power, and running your own plan, you will likely need that in order to be able to leverage things to get him to fix the low testosterone or dopamine burnout or whatever it is.

So rather than seeing that book as this magic boomerang that you can throw at him, you need to look at yourself and say “I need to take a little more personal power, I’m going to have to do things to maximize my own attractiveness, and I might really need to do that I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You speech in order to shock him out of the funk that he’s in.”

I’ll have the links below for the books an everything that I mentioned. That’s about it. I’m going to leave it there. If everyone can like, comment, share, subscribe, and all that good internet stuff that would be wonderful.

And I will catch you next time.