Why is Sex EVERYTHING?

Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

In this episode I’m going to answer the question many women have which is, “Why is everything about sex to guys?”  Why are they always thinking about it, why is it so freaking important to them, and why do they get so upset when they don’t get it. So I hope I’m going to answer this question and make it a little clearer and get a more of a sympathetic understanding as to why this is.

 

Big Boys Don’t Cry

When you’re growing up as a boy, after a certain point most of the expressions of love, affection and warmth that you get as a little kid, seems to mysteriously vanish from your life. Usually it’s some point right around puberty and certainly by the time you’re into being a teenager. Most boys don’t really experience a great deal of physical affection compared to their sisters and female friends.

Certainly by the time you’re an adult, the average adult male receives really no expressions of warmth, affection and positive physical touch from anyone other than their primary romantic sexual partner. The only other point of physical touch most guys get are hand shakes with other men. Maybe a hug from their mother once they’re adults. For a lot of guys physical touch vanishes from their life.

It’s far more socially acceptable for a woman to be touchy feely and expressive than for a man to be expressive. Most guys just have this craving for physical touch, warmth and affection. I often find every time a coaching client tells me that his Love Language is Physical Touch, he reveals it like it’s this deeply personal secret. It’s always a little amusing in that literally 97-98% of guys will say that their Love Language is Physical Touch. Physical Touch is just above and beyond everything.

You can also really see it in dating and just the little interactions between men and women. It’s that playful slap on the guy’s arm that some girl gives. Many men can experience her touch on his forearm like some sort of electrical contact almost. It’s a magnified thing.

So for most men, the only way they get the majority of their physical contact and their physical intimacy with anyone, is when they are having sex. That is how they get the physical closeness. That’s how they get the physical touch. That’s how they get the contact.

So for a lot of guys Sex = Love and Love = Sex.

When the only person that they get sex from, is the only person they experience as getting love from, the quality of that relationship becomes increasingly important. Because now when they are asking for sex and they get told no, it’s not just that they are being declined sex. Often they feel like they are being declined love. Which means a sexual rejection takes on a greater importance and hurts so much. I feels like not just a sexual rejection, but also “I don’t love you.”

Of course the wife or girlfriend may love him just fine, and have no intention of sending that message. Often they’re sensitive to the fact that this is how he’s interpreting it, or at least sensitive to him being upset about a no.

It can get really problematic when the sex in a relationship starts declining, that he feels like he’s investing into this relationship and doing what he needs to do, and is now getting absolutely nothing back. I’m not getting sex out of this relationship from this person that doesn’t really love me. It’s not even a question of are they in love with me but do they even love me.

A really common question is, “Why can’t she just lay on her back for five minutes and let me do what I want to do?”  For him it’s not just about sex, but also the desire for warmth, contact and feeling loved.

You can really see it in the dynamic of guys that start to escalate what they need to be validated by her. You can certainly see it in the guys who are super fixated in getting particular sexual acts, that would demonstrate the level of love and interest she has for him. It’s the ones where he feels like, “I must get blow jobs to completion. If I don’t get that at least once in a while I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel secure in this relationship. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel validated. I don’t feel like my investment in what I do for her is valued.” It can of course be something they’re genuinely sexually interested in, but it often carries this greater dynamic attached to it which makes it so important.

Then of course, she can feel like the only thing he wants her for is sex. But having watched this video you can see it’s now far more than that. It’s not just that he wants sex. He wants love, and for him the having sex is an expression of love for her. 

When she doesn’t understand this dynamic, and feels like he is endlessly trying to get sex, and he gets hurt and upset when he doesn’t get it, often this is part of the reason she pulls back from him. Because if she lets him kiss her, hug her or hold her, he’s always trying to escalate it further towards having sex. So she can avoid hugs and kisses with him, because she’s not in the mood for sex.

The problem can get worse and worse as she avoids even the minimal amount of physical affection she was doing. Now she’s not kissing him. Now she’s not hugging him. Now she’s not holding hands. And that just hurts him more and more and more.

So to answer, why is everything about sex to guys?

Well, because for a lot of them that’s the only way they feel that they can get anything.

 

And I’m going to leave it there. I’m going to come back in probably a day or two and I want to do a video about why for women, sex and love can often feel oppositional, above and beyond everything we talked about here. So that’s about it. Please like, share, comment and most importantly please subscribe on YouTube and I will talk to you tomorrow.

Mutually Assured Lack of Communication

Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

In this video I’m going to talk about a problem I see once in a while, all to do with following advice about minimizing communication patterns. This advice is out there for men, and it’s out there for women.

Primarily what they say is if there’s a problem where if you are too eager to connect to the other person, you are too gushy, you’re calling them too much, you’re texting them too much, you’re seeking them out constantly, you will slowly drive down your attractiveness in your partner. You will slowly make them lose interest in you. You hand all your power in the relationship to them. So don’t do it. Should you communicate? Well yes you should, but you should always keep a sort of a handle on it where you don’t do it too much.

One of the most popular pieces of advice out there I’ve seen is for every three times the text you or call you, you should only do it twice back.

This advice has been out and around for ages. I mean just look at the, just have a copy of The Rules, you know, dating and marriage advice for women, from 1995. This is the first couple of chapters. Don’t meet him half way or go dutch on a date. Don’t call him and rarely return his calls. Always end phone calls first. Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. What else have we got? Always end the date first. Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week. And generally keep it all, don’t open up too fast. Be honest but mysterious. Slowly involve him in your family.

So there’s a whole bunch of stuff that is all about limiting the communication, slowing everything down and basically withdrawing attention to get the other person to try and more aggressively, more assertively seek you out. Make you harder to get so that they seek you out. And this advice does work, but it runs into problems in relationships where both people are trying to follow that advice.

So imagine, if the rule I’m following is for every three points of contact you initiate, I’m only going to initiate two. Well, so if you call twenty times I’m going to call you back fifteen. If I’m calling you back fifteen, you’re only going to call back twelve. If you’re only calling me back twelve, I’m only going to call back nine. If I’m only calling you nine times you’re only going to call back six. I’ll only call back four times. You’ll only call back three. I’ll only call back two. You’ll only call back one. One. I’ll wait for you to contact me again.

You get this mutually assured destruction. This constant escalation. Let’s be honest, this is just a pissing match where both of you are trying to be in charge of the relationship, and winning is becoming more important than the relationship. When you try and actively win the relationship this way, you often end up losing it. You can turn things that were small things into big things if both of you are really aggressively trying to endlessly gain the upper hand in the relationship.

For the most part, people get to some point where they kind of reach a breaking point and someone folds and connects, but if you’re both really determined to hold frame and not budge an inch, eventually the relationship will go to a bad place. Both of you are going to see and perceive each other as testing the other, and think that you should be pushing back on those tests by being even more dominant and not budging. Pretty soon you can get to this really, really dark place. It can go from an average relationship into a really bad one when both of you are upping the ante very, very quickly.

This is actually something I’ve seen an awful lot in relationships when guys have finally learned the advice “stand up for yourself, be strong, be more Alpha.” It works really, really well until they reach some sort of magical threshold where she wasn’t actually trying to be rude. She wasn’t actually trying to be offensive. Yet it was read her as such so he pushed back on it, which makes her be all defensive and push back on that. He just reads that as another test. She reads him as being completely obnoxious, and now she’s a jaded bitch and he’s a horrible man and it goes round and round and round and round.

So it’s just something to be aware of. If you are both playing by The Rules, whether it’s the old time girlie girl rules or the new time Game rules, which you can read about all over the internet. You have to be really careful you’re not setting yourself for this path of mutually assured destruction.

And that’s about it, the video is done, going to leave it there. Please like, share, comment, and most importantly please subscribe.

And I will talk to you tomorrow.

This is NOT the end of Your Story

Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

This episode is going to be slightly different in that I’m primarily talking about myself from me to you, seeing today is a fairly emotionally intense day for me. Today is the one year anniversary of my heart attack.

Not that I want to continually define myself as Heart Attack Guy, but it is the one year anniversary. It didn’t send me into a tailspin or a funk, but having had a heart attack it’s always little bit with you. Any time you feel any kind of twinge of pain in your chest, or you go to do something that you can’t quite do anymore, there’s always that little second guessing in your head of maybe you shouldn’t be doing this because this might kill you. Don’t lift that heavy object, because you’re literally going to die.

So it’s with me all the time but it’s just sort of more concentrated today. And because I am doing this daily vlog thing where I produce something every day, this is what’s on my mind. So I don’t know what else I can really do to talk about. This is the thing that’s in my head. I feel like I’m meant to come up with some sort of blindingly intelligent insight as to what it all means, and I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. I really can’t come up with anything too profound. At the end of the day it just sucks, it just sucks. If you have a way of avoiding a heart attack, absolutely avoid the damn heart attack because it sucks.

I mean, I talk about dodging bullets metaphorically, but dodging an actual bullet would have been a whole lot easier in that once that adrenaline rush is gone, five minutes later everything is fine and your life can continue on as it was.

This is a long, slow, steady process of feeling better, and this is the best I’ve felt especially over this last couple of weeks. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. In that sense the daily vlog thing is working. It is making me feel happier and more productive, so fantastic.

If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s your whole set of expectations, your hopes and dreams and the things you want to do and value, they all sort of start slipping lower and lower on the list of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. You’re not worried about what clothes you particularly wear, or the things you need to do, or want to do, or the vacations you want to take. All you think is I’ve got to get my kids through college. If I die my wife has to be taken care of. If I’m not here any more will people still be able to access my knowledge and wisdom. What courses and books are there that they can use? What are the tools they can use? And honestly I just like being alive. Being alive is great, it’s fun. The world is a fantastic place. I know there are bad things that happen and crappy things that happen, but overall this shot that we get at being alive is amazing and wondrous and every minute has something for you.

I’ve thought a lot, well not a lot a lot, but some today about that I miss my Dad. He passed away in 2010. We knew it was coming, it wasn’t a great surprise or anything like that but I really miss him. I don’t want to visit that sense of loss on my wife and my daughters until it really needs to be that time. I would much rather visit that on my wife when she’s in her 70s instead of her 40s and my kids when they’re in their 50s instead of late teens early 20s. So yeah, being alive is wonderful and some things suck, but you always have the ability to make them better. You do what you can and you focus on what you can do, rather than what you can’t do, and you sort your life out as best you can and you make things better.

I’ll make the same promise to you the people watching, that I made to my wife the first day in ICU when I was coming out from under anesthesia and all that sort of stuff. I promised that this would not be the end of the story. This would not be the end, this would not be even necessarily the beginning of the end, but there was more life to come, more things to come. More videos to come. More books to come. More tools, more products, more things that will come.It’s just a case of getting from point A to point B to C to D and doing what I can. Doing the best I can from where I am.

So like I say I don’t have any great magical insight. It’s just going to be a lot of one foot in front of the other and enjoying the process, not necessarily knowing exactly where the destination is, but hoping it’s a better place than where I am today, and a better place the day after that.

And no matter your situation you can do the same. If I can do this, you can do whatever it is that you’re facing and I hope you get to make happen whatever you want do. I hope that whatever the situation you’re in is not the end of your story. I’ll do my thing, you’ll do your thing, and let me know how things go.

I would love to hear your stories, your successes, your failures. The ways that you made a difference from what you are watching or what you’ve read. That’s valuable things for me. So one foot in front of the other. Don’t stop. It’s not the end of the story. Keep on keeping on.
And that’s about it. Like, share, subscribe, and please do subscribe on YouTube. That is pretty much my home base in terms of what I’m planning to build for, so YouTube subscriptions are huge.

And I will talk to you tomorrow.

When to do THE THING

Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

Today’s episode follows along from yesterday’s episode where yesterday I talked about not doing The Thing, i.e. going from some sort of major breakup or divorce and then immediately jumping into a new relationship. In this episode I’m going to talk about when is the right time to start doing The Thing. When is it good to start dating? When is it good to start looking for a new relationship? Essentially we’re going to look at the three concerns that I talked about yesterday, as why you shouldn’t do The Thing, to see if you’re passing these three concerns now, which then is the green light to really start going forward.

 

Low Energy State?

The first one is are you out of the low energy state that you were in when the divorce finished, or the big breakup happened? Any time you have a major relationship breakup it is incredibly draining. You become completely exhausted. Most people have some good crash period of at least a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, where literally everything is drained from you. After the initial crash though, it can take a number of weeks or months to regain your energy.

The concern is if you’re at a low energy state, you attract another low energy person into your life, and then you end up with a really low energy, unfun relationship. So the question is are you out of that low energy state? Are you having fun again? Are you getting out? Are you doing the activities you like? Are you doing the hobbies you enjoy? Are you being active? Are you eating right? Are you exercising again? Are you doing all the self-care taking care of you things that you can be doing, that make you feel better with have a higher energy state?

Also just as low attracts low, a high energy state will tend to attract a higher energy state person to be in a relationship with. So if you take those few weeks or months to get to a higher energy state, it can save you so much hassle over the long term if you attract someone to your life that is also in a good place.

 

Still Emotional About The Ex?

The second concern is are you still emotionally bound up in the relationship that just ended. Are you still mad about it? Are you still sad about it? Have you reached that place where you can be somewhat more objective and say okay I understand why that relationship ended. Do you understand the explanations why it ended, not necessarily that the things people did were excusable or not, but do you understand the story arc that got you to where you ended up?

Have you started to fix things that you could change about yourself, now that you’ve learned the lessons from the relationship that ended? Especially important is asking if you’re still in a state where you’re angry at either men or women in general, depending which sex you are or which you’re attracted to?

If you’re emotionally tied up in the old relationship, or resentful of men/women, you’re bringing something toxic into the relationship. Also, you’re only going to find someone who tolerates you being toxic, will want to be in a relationship with you. Which means they have self-esteem issues of their own as they’re willing to tolerate being in a relationship with someone that’s still a bit messed up. Which means you just got yourself into a relationship with a messed up person.

 

Avoiding a Negative vs. Going to a Positive?

The third concern is are you trying to avoid a negative as opposed to go toward a positive? Are there still some sort of logistical life problem things that you have that you are trying to avoid? You need a place to live. You don’t have enough income. You’re trying to figure out what to do with the kids. Do you have a bunch of life problems for which you see a relationship as a solution?

Are you avoiding a negative instead of going to a positive? Do you have these logistical things that you need to fix first? Because if you have logistical needs where you need to be in a relationship to have your life work, that means you approach those relationships from a very weak place. You make yourself dependent on the other person. Then once you’re in that relationship you lose the motivation and the momentum to fix those problems yourself, which means you can often always be weak to that person.

 

So I think those are the three key things. Do you have enough energy? Are you emotionally past it? And are you self-sustaining and supporting where you don’t actually need another relationship to have your life in general work?

 

Avoid Being a Transitional Person

You need to look at yourself through that matrix, and you also need to look at potential partners through that matrix. You may be in a great place but if you’re getting attracted to someone who is depressed about their own prime relationship ending, they’re still messed up about their ex-partner and they are desperately needy to have a place to live and some form of income and you’re the lucky winner… then you know you are buying into a relationship that is going to be problematic.

The risk is when one or both of these people have defects in any of these three factors, you’re setting yourself up for a transitional relationship, one that only lasts a short time. It may be good for what it is, but it can also be a terribly damaging chicane in your life. You might waste six months to a year of time into this relationship, instead of being self-supporting and it costs you in the long term.

 

Summary

Hit the dating market once your energy is good, you’re not emotionally messed up about the prior relationship and you’re self-supporting and the relationship isn’t to fix a life problem. And absolutely, nothing stops you from getting out of the house, meeting people, having fun, enjoying life, having good experiences. You just have to realize that until you get all this together you’re just a little bit susceptible to missing red flags, being attracted to someone who’s going to be a real problem long term, and you just have to be really mindful and conscious of that.

And I do understand that’s all logical, logical advice and it is a version of the Don’t Do The Thing speech in reverse form, so just be careful. Guard yourself a little bit.

Anyway I think that’s about it. I hope you like the video. Like, share, comment, subscribe and all that good internet stuff. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

DON’T DO THE THING

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them. In this episode I’m going to talk about one of my stock pieces of advice that I tell many, many people which is not to do The Thing.

The Thing is after a divorce or a major relationship breakup, immediately jumping into a new relationship too quickly. That is The Thing. You get divorced and then three months later you are deep into dating somebody else.

The reason I tell people not to do The Thing is that after a big breakup, after a divorce, you’re usually completely emotionally exhausted by it. Also, you can be financially exhausted in the case of divorce. When you’re in that really low energy state, you tend to attract someone into your life who is also at some kind of low energy state. That might be a temporary issue for them or it may be a more chronic issue for them. So if you get in a relationship with someone that is in this low energy state as well, you tend to set yourself up for a relationship that is low energy. You can end up missing the red flags that would be completely obvious because you’re just too tired to really see them.

There’s also the thing where just because your relationship has ended, doesn’t mean there’s not necessarily some more work to do in terms of the way you approach things, how you think of things, your own mental health. It’s often going to be difficult to work on some of this stuff if you’re immediately caught up in the whole dopamine rush, in love, new exciting person. You end up not building supports into your own life where you are self-supporting and are stronger and better for yourself, you end up trying to build a life with this new person who’s not necessarily going to be ideal long term.

The other reason that people jump into these relationships is they are lonely, hurt and they need validation. All these strong drives that propel you into trying to find somebody new. They’re all very, very real and sometimes you can miss red flags, because you are just so needy for that sense of love and support. In that moment of pain anyone can be good enough, as opposed to finding someone who is good for a long term relationship or even good for a short term relationship.

So there’s often this thing after a breakup where people get involved with someone who’s kind of a transitional person. And sometimes that transitional person is them and sometimes (against your will) that transitional person turns out to be you. So there’s a whole bunch of pitfalls.

So have this canned speech, which you’ve just heard now, of don’t do The Thing.

Except when I give the speech about not doing The Thing, it turns into this little play that we do where the person I’m giving advice to says their lines and I say my lines.

(This is only the transcript, it’s more fun if you watch the video from 3:38 onward.)

So we start off in a pretty good place. I’ve give you lots of good advice. You’ve gone through your relationship. It’s ended however it’s ended. You’re feeling stronger, happier and healthier.

Then because I’m old and tired I give you the advice about not doing The Thing.

You look at me’ deep in my eyes and you promise, “I’m not going to do The Thing.”

A few weeks later or a few months later you tell me, “I’ve just met this wonderful person. It is just absolutely fantastic and I’m doing the thing.”

I say, “Wow, I’m super happy for you. That sounds fascinating.”

And then you go off and do the thing and it plays out as it plays out and at first it’s really good. And then it’s a little bit rough around the edges. And then it really gets bad and overwhelming, and you tell me about it and I say, “Alright well let’s get together. Let’s do some more advice. Let’s do a coaching call.” And we try and sort our way out and get you back on your feet again.

It used to be that seeing this script play out was incredibly frustrating. I used to get so annoyed by it at times when I would spend all this time telling people “Don’t do The Thing” and then they go do The Thing and it would blow up on them. Then I went through a period of feeling sad by it. What is the point of giving advice. Everyone is just going to ignore it and go do The Thing.

Now I’m accepting of it. I still feel like I need to give the advice, don’t do The Thing, and I generally wait for people to go do The Thing, because I said before there’s such powerful drives to do this and if I can stop a few people from having truly epically bad results then it’s win but most people are going to go do The Thing and there’s not much I can do to stop it.

So I do feel obliged to give the advice, but if I’ve given the advice to you and you come back to me and you tell me, “I did the thing and it ended badly.” I’m never going to tell you I told you so. I’m just going to pick up the pieces, going to try and sort things out, try and get you back on your feet, pointed in the right direction and getting to a place where you’re going to be happy and healthy and things are going to go well for you because that’s truly what I want.

I mean what I want for you is to be able to live long and prosper. So that is the advice for today… Don’t do The Thing. Tomorrow I’ve got a video where I’ll talk about when is it time to start doing The Thing. When is it time to get back out there? When is it time to meet people and get up to speed again, because it’s not like I want you to live like a monk forever.

And that’s about it. I will leave it there. Hope you liked the video. Until next time, like, share, subscribe, comment, all that good internet stuff, and I will talk to you tomorrow.