#38 Comfort – Third Link of the Chain of Seduction

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. Today we’re following along in the series where we do each of one of the six links in the Chain of Seduction, and today we are up to the third link, Relationship Comfort. If you can remember from some of the earlier videos, this is really focused on the Love System devoted to the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, so it’s all about that trust and security and feeling connected and pair bonded to your partner. Thus Relationship Comfort.

Importantly, when I’m talking about Comfort in the Chain of Seduction, I’m not just talking about whether or not you are doing nice things to your partner, or whether you are good, nice and pleasant. It’s the deeper question of are you creating a sense of Relationship Comfort in your partner. So you may be doing a bunch of nice stuff to your partner, but it’s not exactly the same thing as them feeling comfortable being in a relationship with you.

In fact sometimes when you are overdoing the nice stuff, they may be feeling increasingly uncomfortable in the relationship. It may be making things worse, especially if you’re not passing one of the other links in the Chain of Seduction. If you’re not physically attractive enough, if you don’t have basic attractiveness, you doing a whole pile of nice stuff for them is going to make them feel increasingly uncomfortable.

It’s really about the difference between them being anxious about being in a relationship with you, and them being relaxed about being in a relationship with you. It’s about whether or not they have a sense of dread about being in a relationship with you, versus feeling trust. Do they feel connected and they feel secure in that.

Just like the Brands of Attraction that I talked about yesterday, there are Brands of Comfort too. We all like all the Brands of Comfort to at least some degree, but there’s usually one or two that we’re especially serious about. If we can figure out what our partner is really into in terms of creating Comfort for them, well we can focus on that and it may well take us less energy than trying to shotgun blast them with everything.

So the first Brand of Comfort making is Nesting. It’s anything to do with creating a home-like environment. So a nice house, a place good for kids, doing anything for kids, a sense of home security, a food supply. Cooking is a big part of the Nesting thing. There’s so many guys that get points for cooking. Is there enough money to pay for anything. So basically people that are really into the Nesting thing, like a nice house, a nice home and they want it to be safe, warm, dry, comfortable and supported.

The second Brand of Comfort making is Listening. It’s all about that verbal communication,feeling connected and emotionally comfortable by having a lot of verbal communication. For some people into the listening and talking thing, they may get the greatest sense of Comfort out of talking with their partner for ten, fifteen minutes a day. They enjoy talking about anything and everything, feeling closer and comfortable simply because they’re talking. Also it’s not just if they can talk to you, but they also want you to express yourself to them. If you’re not expressing yourself to them they feel like you’re not actually interested, that you don’t actually love them quite so much. They don’t feel that sense of connection.

The third Brand of Comfort is Values. Do you have a shared set of values? Do you have a shared set of beliefs? Are you on the same page in terms of your political and religious beliefs, how you think about the world. Do you have a shared set of values in that sense. And that can be all purpose religion, politics, ethics, spirituality. Do they see you as someone that has at least some kind of internal moral compass pointed in the direction of being positive minded, peaceful and proactive.

Your values don’t have to perfectly aligned, but the closer they are usually the easier a relationship goes. But there are certainly some people for whom that moral compass, the set of beliefs, is an incredible driving force in their life. Seeing that you have something very close and similar to them is a requirement to them. That is something that makes them feel truly comfortable.

The fourth Brand of Comfort is Broadcasting. Are you Broadcasting the relationship, not only to your partner but broadcasting the value of this relationship to everyone in general. Are you wearing wedding rings? Are you broadcasting to all and sundry that yes you’re married by wearing the correct ring on your finger? Are you someone that tells everyone that this is your wife or girlfriend or the person you are dating? Are you broadcasting to everyone that you’re taken, that you’re in a relationship, or do you hide it? Are you quiet about the relationship? Hiding the relationship makes them feel uncomfortable, unwanted and untrusting.

It’s also things like are you displaying photos of the relationship? Do you have a nice photo album of the things you’ve gone where you can actually display all this stuff? Are you collecting things as sort of Broadcasting markers to yourself and anyone that the relationship is significant and important to you. And this also plays into things like gifts. The gift is a way of Broadcasting to your partner, to yourself, to anyone watching that the relationship is significant to you. Are you Broadcasting this is a significant relationship?

The fifth Brand of Comfort making is what I would just call Affection. That’s both the verbal affection of telling them nice things, it’s the physical affection of touching them in a nice way, it’s the small acts of kindness, the small acts of thoughtfulness. I mean I don’t mean to crap on the Five Love Languages too much, but to me most of the Five Love Language’s are really just basic Affection. Are you basically pleasant and affectionate to your partner? It’s not necessarily that you need to do some grand gestures, but basically are you warm to them? Are you cuddly? Do you seek them out? Do you just like being close to them and being affectionate?

And the sixth and final Brand of Comfort is Shared Activities. It’s pretty close to what people think of as quality time, though I tend to find that a lot of people sort of struggle to define what quality time is. But if you say Shared Activities it becomes a whole lot clearer exactly what quality time is. So are you doing things together? And that can be as complex as going on vacations together or as planned and structured as date nights and it can be as simple as we washed the dishes together. We have a couple of shows that we watch together during the week. We like, once a week we get together and have lunch. We have breakfast together. We hang out and we just do things together. So it’s quality time, it’s sharing tasks together. It can be helping out. It’s trying to do things together as a couple at least once in a while. Like I say they can be big things like vacations and moving house and all that sort of stuff and some of them are really small like I’m just going to go do the thing, want to tag along? It’s going grocery shopping together. It’s washing the dishes together. It’s cooking dinner together. It’s just doing shared tasks.

So those are my six Brands of Comfort making. There’s Nesting. Are you doing things for the house, the kids, the family? Is there enough money? It is the Listening. Are you talking enough? It is the question of are there shared Values? Do you believe the same things? Are you thinking the same way about some things? Do you have that internal moral compass? It’s the Broadcasting that the relationship is important, not only to your partner but in a public sense. Are you affectionate? Do you like doing things for each other? Is there basic warmth and kindness and Affection, both verbal and physical, for each other? And it is finally that are there Shared Activities? Do you do things together? Are you hanging out? Are you doing big tasks, fun tasks, the chores together.

And again, these are six different Brands of Comfort making. Most people need some sort of minimal level in all of them, but usually it’s one or two of them they are particularly focused on and if you can focus on doing those things for your partner, they generally pay off fairly well. It can actually be less effort to focus on a handful of things that your partner’s really into as opposed to trying to shotgun blast everything. And if you’re hitting the things they need, you’re getting a lot of positive results from it.

That’s about it. It think I covered what I was going to say. I hope you liked the video. Please like, share, comment and subscribe. We will continue this on yest– not yesterday, we will continue this on tomorrow where we get to talk about the Energy link. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

#37 Attraction – Second Link of the Chain of Seduction

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. Today we’re continuing the series where we talk about each of the six links in the Chain of Seduction and today we’re up to the second link, the Attraction link.

If you can remember back to the earlier videos, the Attraction link is based on the Love System that is all about high energy, high stimulation and the neurotransmitter dopamine. So everything I’m talking about in the attraction link, is going to be something that is highly stimulating It’s going to be some sort of display of strength as opposed to weakness, some kind of display of high value as opposed to low value.

The other thing that I want you to take away from this video there is not a one size fits all solution to being attractive. I’m sure if you’ve read stuff online, if you’ve watched some other videos where people are talking about being Alpha, it really does feel like there’s a one size fits all version of what Alpha is. In the real world people are attracted to some different things, thus there are some different Brands of Attraction. Though like I say, there’s a common theme of there’s a display of strength as opposed to weakness, a display of high value as opposed to low value.

There are Brands of Attraction just the same way the Five Love Languages explain types of creating Comfort. I have some disagreements with the Five Love Languages which I’ll get to in the next video where I talk about Comfort. If you know your partners preferred Brands of Attraction you can adjusted your efforts to create Attraction to match their interests. Also you can stop putting a lot of energy into trying to be attractive one way, if your partner is actually really attracted to something else.

So the first Brand of Attraction is Physical. I know I sound like a broken record and like I’m mentioning the first link in the Chain of Seduction again, but some people get a massive dopamine rush over people that are in good shape. It’s not just a question of whether or not they pass the first link of the Chain of Seduction, because being in amazingly amazingly good shape gives them a surge of excitement, adrenaline and dopamine. So for some people it seems as if Physical as the be all and end all.

Another Brand of Attraction is Stereotypical. These are the women who are are really attracted to the Manly Man. He’s out there chopping wood and he’s got his beard, doing manly man chores and fixing the house and doing things with cars. Stereotypical guy stuff can really turn some women on. In the same way, some men are turned on by women doing the girly girl stuff, wearing dresses, wearing makeup, long hair and being dainty or whatever. This is one of the things that attracts them. So that Stereotypical guy or girl stuff, for some people is a really important part of their attractiveness and their ability to be attracted.

Another Brand of Attraction is Peacocking, which is the trendy clothing, it’s the attention to detail with makeup. It is here’s my fancy watch and my latest phone, and certainly for the guys here is my cool car, here is my awesome big house. It’s ostentatious displays of available wealth to spend on all my pretty plumage. There are some people who are incredibly attracted to those displays of consumerist behavior. It’s the whole thing of women loving a sharp dressed man. For some people it really is that Peacocking display. Here is my excess wealth. Look how good things are.

The fourth Brand of Attraction is being Impulsive. It’s a neutral way of describing someone who’s being edgy, risk taking, dangerous, high stimulation. This is the guys that like racing the fast cars or motorbikes. It’s that thrill of living a little bit dangerously and a little bit on the edge. This is really something that tends to be far more attractive to women than to men, but certainly the edgy and risky, impulsive woman does have a certain type of appeal. Especially when it comes to the men, this is hearkening back to combat readiness. Think back to the Time Before Writing wiring, this is the type of guy who’s okay with getting in a fight, okay with risking his life to do the derring do. He’ll defeat the guy from the other village, he’ll fight for the girl, he’ll take on saber-toothed tigers or whatever. It really does play into that sense of confidence as opposed to being a coward.

So another Brand of Attraction is Leadership, that social dominance. If Peacocking was sort of a display of ostentatious wealth, then Leadership is a display of actually having power and the willingness to use it. You’re far better off, especially if you’re a guy, if you are running a company or if you’re the principal of a school, as opposed to a retail clerk or working as a janitor. This is one of the things I think that many modern women struggle with if they find powerful men attractive. Because while they can also achieve these positions themselves, it may not translate into men finding them more attractive, if the men are more interested in other Brands of Attraction.

There’s certainly a benefit to being in a position of power if you’re a woman, but it doesn’t always carry that same pull that a man being in that same position of power has. Women are more attracted to the power positions than the men are attracted to the power positions. That’s just sort of one of those modern awkward things. Can certain men be attracted to powerful women? Absolutely, but it tends to happen less often than the reverse.

The final Brand of Attraction is Smart. There are plenty of people that find high intelligence one of the most attractive traits that anyone can have. Smart is an all purpose catch-all for nerd superpowers. It’s your high IQ. It’s your creativity. It’s any kind of impressive skills you have. It’s certainly anyone that is good at music and performance. These are all displays of high intelligence. I am someone that is good at the Smart version of attractiveness and I’m fortunately married to a woman who is attracted to Smart. This is why I sit in front of a wall of books, a couple of which I have written myself. This is a display to you people who are watching that I’m Smart, but it’s also to display to my wife as every time she walks into the room, or transcribes the videos she gets to see the display of how Smart I am.  (See how smart that is?)

So those are the six basic forms of attractiveness. Some people are super into the Physical, above and beyond passing the Physical link in the Chain of Seduction. Some people are really turned on by the Stereotypical manly man, girly girl stuff. Some people are really into the Peacocking displays of wealth and the whole look at me aspect of Peacocking. Some people are really into the Impulsive, edgy, risk taking things. Some people are really into the social dominance and the Leadership and some people are really into Smart.

We all have some sort of minimum requirements in all six of these Brands of Attraction, but usually there’s one or two that we are particularly into that particularly turns us on. Both men and women shop from these six Brands of Attraction.

We can certainly make some sort of clique judgment men are probably more into the Physical and some of the Stereotypical and Peacocking stuff. And we can probably make some sort of clique judgmenty that women are more into the Smart and the Leadership and the Impulsive things. However there is so much variety between individual men and individual women that it really is up to the individual person what they are truly into. If you can find out what your partners Brand of Attraction, you can make a lot more headway in terms of pulling their attention.

That’s about it for today’s video. I hope you liked it. Please like, share, comment and please subscribe. And tomorrow I will be talking about the Relationship Comfort stuff and going through my version of the brands of comfort. And I will talk to you tomorrow.

#36 Physical – First Link of the Chain of Seduction

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. Today we’re starting the series where I go through each of the six links of the Chain of Seduction and talk about each link in a little more depth. Today is the Physical, the first link in the Chain of Seduction.

I know this is going to be somewhat politically incorrect, but paying attention to physical health and physical beauty, is the least superficial thing you can do when choosing someone to be with. At its heart of hearts every marriage is a sexual relationship. So we’re always going to be looking through the matrix of whether or not this person a good person to be in a relationship with in terms of Body Agenda. In other words, is this a good person to be in a relationship with to make a baby with and raise that baby to adulthood?

This makes physical health, physical fitness, physical beauty, so incredibly important because what we are looking at is the genetic makeup of our partner or potential partner. Do they have good genes? Do they have a good immune system? Are they healthy? Are the going to have high quality eggs? Are they going to have high quality sperm? Are they going to be able to get pregnant? Do they have a strong libido? Are they going to be able to carry the baby to term? Is the baby going to be healthy and fit and sexy and grow to adulthood with strength and physical fitness and good dexterity, good hand eye coordination and all of that.

People’s physical appearance give strong clues to their genetic value. This is true not just for our culture, it is true across all cultures and across all cultures throughout history. Let me give you an example of that.

The 7:10 ratio of waist-to-hip in women is something that is regarded as attractive across all cultures and all times in history. So the narrower waist and the wider hips. So you may think okay that’s something that’s invented, that’s socially constructed. And the answer is no. This is something that men view women on just a deep encoded level. This is part of our biological wiring. And the reason that 7:10 waist to hip ratio is important it means that she’s going to more easily get pregnant, she’s going to have a much better time at carrying the baby to term, and the baby is far more likely to survive. All important questions.

So physical health, fitness, beauty, is incredibly important. Even things like the quality of someone’s hair is important. (He says being bald.) If you look at someone that has long, healthy, luxurious, shiny hair, that means that they’ve had really good nutrition for about the last three to four years of their life. It means that they have good genetics. It means they’re healthy. It means everything has gone well for them and they’re sexy. This is someone who could potentially happily have a baby and it’s going to be a healthy baby and they’re going to be able to carry it to term and raise it to adulthood.

Both men and women are incredibly astute assessors of the genetic worth of members of the opposite sex. We just know this stuff. We don’t need to read a bunch of studies. We just look at someone and if they are healthy and beautiful we are attracted to them.

With more politically incorrect news… this is more of a factor for women than it is for men. Of course men that are physically attractive, physically beautiful are sexy because they’re displaying good genes, but again you have to remember that men are valued for their survival skills. If you go back to The Time Before Writing, Body Agenda and why we split into two sexes, men specialize in the survival skills. So someone who is slightly less physically attractive but has a lot of wealth, is obviously physically strong, has a lot of power, for a man that is going to also credit to him a sense of attractiveness. Women are going to find that attractive.

Where for women who are specializing in the replication skill set, their genetic worth, their physical appearance, their physical beauty is absolutely paramount. Men value beautiful women over unattractive women and we all know this. I know it sounds politically incorrect but we all know this is true.

This also explains why women aren’t often attracted to short men. Because they are looking at men like this is the guy that is going to provide them with survival skills in The Time Before Writing. If someone is physically short and small, they are weak, they are not that warrior thug that women are attracted to from all The Time Before Writing Wiring. It means the children that women bear to the short guy, won’t be as strong, tall or attractive as the children she might have with a big, tall, powerful warrior type guy.

We all of course know this is true and this is why we have a multi billion dollar beauty industry. This is why women feel naked and afraid to go out in public without wearing makeup, or the best clothes or the best shoes. This is all about manufacturing their appearance to be as beautiful as possible. Men often have the sense that women are trying to deceive them into thinking that they are more attractive than they really are, and there’s an element of truth to that, but women are in a beauty arms race with all other women all the time. If you’re a 5 just wearing normal clothes and no makeup, and you can get yourself to be an 8 by wearing makeup and pretty clothes… and that gets you a much better man, why wouldn’t you do it? That is the most logical, straight forward, common sense thing to do in the world. Maximize your beauty. Get the guy you want. Pop out awesome looking kids. Total win.

Yet with Instagram and Photoshop some of this beauty stuff has gone a little bit far off to left field. It’s becomes an arms race of extremes. There are people who look amazingly hot on Instagram, who are absolutely not as nearly as hot as that in real life. On Instagram they are wearing perfectly sculptured makeup, they have lighting, they take hundreds of photos to get the perfect one. In the real world they have no Photoshop and the reality can fall far short of the produced image.

On the other side we have things like fat acceptance where women who could potentially be sixes, sevens, eights and nines are told that they are beautiful for being threes, fours and fives. And that is equally wrong. So there is some middle road in all of this.

The takeaway is that you really just need to maximize what you’ve got. I don’t think you should go through the extremes of body modification. If you’re a woman, absolutely wear makeup. No matter which sex you are pay attention to your dress and how you present yourself. That is just really common sense. Attention to beauty, attention to physical appearance is not superficial. It probably is the most important, most mission critical thing that you can do in terms of finding a partner. Maximize your physical appearance. Do the best you can. Don’t worry about being more or less attractive than other people, just present yourself as well as you can. And at the end of the day it’s all you can really do.

So that’s about it. I hope you liked the video. Please do all that good internet stuff and like, share, comment and most importantly please do subscribe on YouTube. It makes a huge difference to me. And I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

#35 What is the MAP?

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction.

In today’s video I’m going to talk about the MAP, M-A-P the MAP.

I’m doing this because I’ve not really talked about it on YouTube. I’ve talked about it in both the books that I’ve written as a central theme. I just haven’t really defined what it is on the videos, so here we go.

The MAP is a shorthand way of referring to the process of making yourself more attractive, improving your life, health,  fitness, dress, and your interactions with people. Rather than complaining at your partner and trying to get them to change, you change yourself to become more attractive, thus they become more attracted to you. The happy side effect being that your relationship improves. The MAP is shorthand for that.

In the first book, The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011, and word to the wise do not put a year or date in the title of your book. You will regret it. You will regret it in about six months when it turns to the next year. I did that because originally I thought I would update the book every year and it will amazing. In 2012 I made five good attempts to update The Primer and it just got darker and heavier with each attempt. It just went to a darker, meaner place and I didn’t like it and thus didn’t publish.

The flip side to that is the second book in 2013, The Mindful Attraction Plan, where the MAP stood for Mindful Attraction Plan. In The Primer it was called the Male Action Plan because I was aiming at guys. But honestly what I wanted to call it was the Marriage Action Plan, and that was trademarked by Match.com. They didn’t do anything with their trademark, but it was trademarked so I couldn’t use it. So the Mindful Attraction Plan was more co-ed and more whole life, so that’s kind of how it went to.

The Primer is very, very focused on gaming your partner and trying to make the relationships more engaging and fun. The Mindful Attraction Plan is far more about managing your personal energy levels, fixing your whole life, looking at your life as a big structural set of problems. It’s a macro approach. The Chain of Seduction model kind of takes the best of both worlds.

The next part of the video I think is going to be interesting to people who’ve read either or both of these books. So I’ve talked in the videos about the six links in the Chain of Seduction: Physical, Attraction, Comfort, Energy, Initiation and Consummation.

In The Primer, the concepts of Alpha and Beta very much align to the concepts of Attraction and Comfort in the Chain of Seduction. I’m basically talking about exactly the same thing.

And of course The Primer was very heavy on gaming, and initiating, and escalating, and instigating things and that all very much aligns to the Initiation link in the Chain of Seduction.

In the Mindful Attraction Plan I actually had six different spheres of your life that you could work on, and four of them, the Physical, Displaying High Value, Relationship Comfort and High- Energy Sex, perfectly align to the Chain of Seduction things of the Physical, Attraction, Comfort and the Consummation link.

The Mindful Attraction Plan had nothing about Initiation but the whole book is about energy and is your life put together right. Do you have enough structural things in place that your life is supported? And certainly the Money and Materials and bits of the Personality and Preferences stuff, and the whole energy question just completely fits into that Energy link in the Chain of Seduction.

So the Chain of Seduction really does adapt and use the best bits of everything that’s come before it plus add a few more things, most particularly the Relationship Momentum question which The Mindful Attraction Plan kind of sort of almost had it and The Primer had no clue.

 

I also find interesting and powerful the Enneagram personality system. I have found so much value and insight and benefit to people once you find out what their Enneagram types are. It explains a whole lot of the personal interactions and it also explains why people are more attracted to some things or less attracted to others, what creates comfort, what doesn’t supply it. And that’s just the whole much, much deeper question. So I’d love to get to that at some point in the videos.

So I’ve rambled on long enough. So what is the MAP? It’s just the shorthand process to improving yourself, making yourself more attractive, focusing on what you need to do for the Chain of Seduction, making yourself a better, stronger, more attractive person so that your partner is more attracted to you and wants to please you and give you what you want in your relationship.

That’s about it. I will talk to you tomorrow, well that’s the plan. I will talk to you tomorrow and I’m going to start going through the six links in the Chain of Seduction piece by piece so we can get a little more insight on each of these six links, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

#34 Loving the Opposite Sex is Your Default Setting

Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol and this is The Chain of Seduction. Today I’m going to talk about love. Just plain old boring old simple old love.

One of the criticisms or complaints I’ve had over the years is that by going into the biology of the Three Love Systems, and saying it’s all about testosterone, estrogen, dopamine and oxytocin, I’m destroying the concept of love itself. If all people feel for each other is a bunch of hormones and neurochemicals, is it really real? Is it really love?

I do understand that perspective because when you first hear about it, it’s mind blowing. It makes you rethink your whole life and how you got to this point. But something I’ve thought about the last few days is rather than destroying the concept of love, what it does is something far more profound. What it really does is prove that love is normal. That love is the default setting.

If you’re a normal healthy human being, you have three Love Systems parrt of your internal biology, driving you to seek out people to be in relationships with. Creating the desire to seek out the opposite sex. Love is normal. Love is your default setting according to your biology. It’s incredibly exciting and reassuring thought to have.

Just think of it in terms of the shipwrecked deserted island experience. If we dropped on a deserted island a normal healthy man and a normal healthy woman… what would happen? Would anyone be surprised if they started falling in love? Would it be a shock if they forming an attachment with each other? Would we be stunned at the plot twist if they started having sex with each other? Of course not, because love is normal. Love is the default setting.

Because love is normal, to actually really dislike the opposite sex, have contempt or hate them, it  requires some degree of work. I understand you can have bad experiences that wound you into anger and pain, but there’s always this pull towards loving them wanting to be in a relationship. To get into a mindset where you are repulsed by the opposite sex usually requires a fair degree of focus and work. It requires effort to hate, far more effort to hate than it requires to love someone because love is the default. You’re rewarded by your biology for loving. You have to go against your biology to hate.

I think this goes some way toward explaining questions of why am I a Nice Guy? Why am I a Good Girl? Why am I a people pleaser? In part it’s your own biology. You probably have a fairly high degree of oxytocin or vasopressin. You connect easily. You trust easily. You like people. You have empathy. You care for people. It’s normal to want to please them and get along and be social and agreeable. That is all normal.

To be sure, there can be dysfunctional things about people pleasing. If you’re endlessly serving and loving people who are bad for you, or toxic in some way, then yeah it’s a problem. But a default setting of liking people, caring about them, having empathy, that’s normal. That’s healthy. It’s good. Not having that sense of empathy, not having that sense of connection, that’s what makes sociopaths and psychopaths.

I find one of the hardest things to do when I’m coaching someone, is to break through to them that they need to leave someone they love. Often it’s a genuinely nice person, in a relationship with someone who is clearly horrible and doing horrible things. I’m talking personality disorders, cheating on them, abusing them physically or verbally. I’ve advised people to leave relationships for straight up safety reasons, that they can even acknowledge are correct concerns. But it’s incredibly difficult to break through to these people that they need to pull away or defend themselves. Because they have this huge internal drive to connect and love. Love is normal. Love is the default. It’s natural and we are rewarded for it by our own bodies.

I think this also plays into the idea that relationships are hard work. I’m not really sure that’s true. What actually strikes me is how durable relationships are. How much they survive bad things happening, major negative life events and yet somehow the relationships continue on. Relationships can take multiple hits and changes, before one partner wants to leave. But it usually requires more than one critical incident. When I’m talking to people who are wanting to divorce, or their partner’s wanting to divorce, it’s not one thing that set them off. It is usually a whole string of events.

Relationships and love tend to be extremely durable. If someone loves you and they have a normal libido, ability to pair bond, and an ability to respond to dopamine, they have all this biology propelling them into a relationship with you. Often it requires enormous work to overcome their desire to love you. It often requires an extended period of disinterest in them, and extended period of contempt. It requires multiple instances of critical moments of neglect, to finally push them to the place where they just throw their hands up in the air and don’t want to be with you.

Relationships are much easier than we really give them credit for. In fact they may be a little too easy and that’s what helps us take them for granted and just assume that they’re going to survive. We’re just going to assume they’re going to survive without watering them a little bit, without tending to them. The truth is they’re pretty durable.

Often one of the things I’m finding when I’m coaching people, is they are often surprised at how easy sometimes the process for fixing a relationship is. A lot of it has to do with stopping doing the things that were actively repulsing their partner. Stopping the fights about nothing. Stopping the awful total lack of leadership. Stopping the lack of attention to your health and fitness and personal appearance. A lot of it is just stopping negative things, stopping the things that are destroying love, rather than going out of your way to create seven amazing things that are going to create love.

For the most part your partner already loves you and, you don’t need to work hard when you are with someone who is normal and healthy. Their own Body Agenda makes them want a relationship and a sexual connection. Oftentimes the solution is to just stop all the negative stuff, stabilize things and let the biology of your partner and yourself create positive relationship momentum. Love is normal. Love is the default. Love is powerful, it is durable and many things can be fixed from even fairly dark places.

The one caveat to all of this is of course though there are some truly broken people out there. Do not get me wrong with this, I’m not some sort of airy fairy love is just everything. There are some damaged people who are going to lash out and all sorts of stuff. But if you’re with someone who is basically healthy, and you’re basically healthy, you’re both basically normal, it is not at all surprising that love exists, that there is love between you, that you have a relationship and that things can be fixed and made better.
Anyway, going to leave it there. Please like, comment, share, subscribe, all that good internet stuff and I will talk to you tomorrow.