Boyfriend Lives in Another State With Another Girl

Hi there, this is Athol with an episode of Ask Athol Anything. If you have a question for me, you can send it to and it will perhaps become part of the show. So let’s jump to today’s question, and it’s a little bit of broken English so bear with me.

“My boyfriend and me were very happy and he wasn’t used to having a girlfriend who cares and loving. He didn’t know how to accept it. He told me it felt a bit much. So I would limit my affection and attention to him to things seem okay. To make things seem okay. He lives in City #1, and I live in City #2, which is in a different state and the cities are about an hour apart. And he showed signs that there was someone else. He said no, then he wanted a break, then he called it space and told me to give him space but he leaves his stuff at my place. Later I find out he has a girlfriend now so he’s scared of all my love and he’s just using her and giving me the impression that if it doesn’t work out he comes back to me. Now I just want him to come back and leave her. Help.”

Alrighty, so I’m not actually going to give you advice to try and get him back, for two reasons. One, I don’t think he’s going to want to come back and I think even if he did come back, you’re not really going to want him either. I did a video on the book He’s Just Not That Into You a couple weeks back, which would be helpful for you to watch.

Just look at all the red flags. He’s only saying he doesn’t know how to accept love, but he’s obviously accepting a different girls’ love with no problem. He doesn’t live with you. He lives in a different city. He lives in a different state. He lives with a different girl. Sure he might have left things at your place but he’s given you a whole bunch of really clear messages of he’s really just not that into you. He’s not interested and he would rather be with somebody else.

He’s only keeping you around because you’re an acceptable backup plan if his main choice, his number one choice of girl falls through and then he can bounce back to you. But really he’s not that interested in you.. You’ve given me no real evidence that he’s super into you and you’ve given me a lot of evidence that he’s not. So yeah, I think your biggest problem is that you’re keeping all his stuff at your place while he’s in a different state, a different city, with a different girl and basically just stringing you along. So honestly my advice would be to call him up and tell him to come get his stuff and if he doesn’t come get his stuff you’re just going to put it at the side of the road or you’re going to donate it to Goodwill or you’re basically just going to sell it all on eBay or whatever it is. He can’t have it both ways. He can’t be living with somebody else and having you be his personal storage unit while you wait by the phone and hope that he comes back.

One of the things I think you have to take from this experience, is to really internalize that just because your are into someone, doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to be into you. You have to really think through what it is that you are looking for in a relationship and what your minimum standards are to be in a relationship with someone. You have to at least be in a relationship with someone that wants to be in a relationship with you.

Even if he comes back and wants to be with you, that’s probably one of the worst outcomes because you’ve just trained him that he can treat you like dirt and you will take him back with no questions asked. Which only guarantees you will have more problems with him in the future. You can bring him back, you can convince him to marry you, but he’s not into you which means this whole thing will reassert itself at some point.

I know that’s the advice you didn’t really want to hear, but it’s the advice you needed to hear.

I’m gong to leave it there. If you can like, comment, share, subscribe and all that good internet stuff. If you have a question for me you can ask at or leave comments. I will hunt through for them.

And I will catch you next time.

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