The Critical Difference Between Being Nice and Creating Relationship Comfort

Feel like you’re banging your head against the wall being nice to them, only to feel like they don’t want you around?

 

Hi I’m Athol Kay and this is a short video about the difference between being nice and creating true relationship comfort.

I want to talk about this because this is one of the biggest misunderstandings guys seem to have in their relationships. I often find there are guys that come up and say “I’m so nice to her. I do all these nice things. I’m pleasant. I’m relaxing. I’m easygoing. I’m thoughtful, I’m caring. I’m sweet. I’m very, very pleasant to be around.”

All that can all be true, and it can be basically and okay thing, but even that can be different than creating a true sense in her that she is comfortable being in a relationship with you. So being nice and pleasant is helpful, but it may not actually convert into true comfort. And she’s not going to feel a true sense of comfort being in the relationship with you unless she is also attracted.

If she is attracted, then you being basically pleasant is a positive. But if she is not attracted and you’re spending all this time and energy just in this sort of low level orbit around her trying to please her and be pleasant and hang out, she’s going to find herself becoming increasingly uncomfortable with you around. Then she’s going to do the things that you hate. She’s going to start trying to distance herself. She’s going to push back a bit. She’s going to want to create space. She’s going to blow up and be angry and walk out, ask you to leave, whatever.

So if you don’t have a sense of already having created attraction, then all that nice is going to backfire. You don’t immediately just stop being completely pleasant and become a total jerk, but you really have to work on attraction because ultimately you do need attraction to create a true sense of relationship comfort.

Testimonials – Hear what our clients and readers say about us.

CA: Try just one call with Athol, and I can just about guarantee you that you will think he is damn near psychic.

He is incredibly easy to talk to, and his ability to identify things and intuit what is happening in yourself and your relationship that you would never pick up on yourself is staggering. I was gobsmacked at what he could cold read from my situation.

His time and knowledge is easily worth at least 10X what he charges.

If the time comes that I want counseling for any reason in the future, I will use Athol. One one hour session with him was far more effective than more than 20 counselor visits for me in trying to assess my marriage and myself and identify the true problems.

IM: The benefit I got from Athol’s coaching was not creating a to-do list and checking in every week on the to-do list. The benefit that I got from Athol was from his experience and intuition. Athol helped me see what is keeping me from meeting my potential socially and professionally and develop a strategy to remove these barriers. As with everything it takes practice and I am a work in progress. I am in a better place now, it does not matter if my relationship succeeds or fails I am confident that I will be happy either way because I have the sense that I am knocking down the barriers that are holding me back. I am very excited about the future.

MN: Coaching with Athol changed my life. I’d stalled on my master’s thesis and was miserably frustrated with my wife and myself. What Athol did was untangle a lot of day to day frustrations and unfinished work in both my house, day job and thesis. I got useful direction on what to focus on. I didn’t just get coached, I also felt mentored, which made a huge difference. Now I have a completed thesis and a better marriage.

N: Athol’s book has put my marriage into perspective. I no longer feel as if I have been taken hostage by my wife. I have been given a box of tools that give me the skills to approach the problem of not getting what I want in a positive and constructive manner. It also gives me the courage to acknowledge if I should continue or not. No more panic.

JQ: Athol, I think your books have a NYT Best Seller potential. Universal theme, easy to follow advice.

JH: Athol, I just wanted to let you know I have had phenomenal results taking your subtle suggestions… It is almost comical how well a few subtle changes are working. She is coming up to me in the middle of the day and showing affection. Complementing the way I look. These are a little out of the ordinary for the previous months. I am very pleased. She is extremely happy.

MF: You had said to me last summer that the energy blockage was all the way back there, with the failure to complete a degree. You could not have been more accurate. Within a week of learning his final grade he replaced the leaky faucet, made repairs in the bathroom, purged his wardrobe, wrote letters and on and on. It was amazing. When he finished a switch flipped and he’s not only soared on his own, but is actively moving into a leadership position without our relationship.

SM: Hi Athol, thanks for the summary! The coaching session was superb. I just finished reading the Primer and now I’m starting the MAP book. Gosh, I should have read these books 5 years ago.

SA: Do coaching if at all possible. Puts your MAP on steroids!

PT: Literally within the first 15 minutes of the first call Athol was able to point something out to me I had not considered an issue. He also gave us a tool to use that has been very effective at getting our marriage back on track.

SA: So far this whole MAP process has been really positive for me and it really has brought into focus areas that I need to work on. I know this whole experience will be well worth it for my marriage, my family, and most importantly myself. I am really looking forward to starting my 12-Week coaching program!

MS: It is my highest compliment to Athol Kay to say that coaching with him averted the divorce that appeared inevitable on the horizon. Out marriage has improved markedly since the low-point in Fall 2013, and continues to progress on a upward trajectory.

LL: Athol gives me a very clear action plan and very situation specific advice. As an aside, Athol has miraculous language translation gift and can understand woman brain as much as a woman. Men, and women, if you are confused, call Athol and he will set you straight. Athol doesn’t hold punches, but what everyone needs is to be told the truth. It’s the only way you can actually change what’s wrong.

JB: We made the move, we are in the new house, and we had sex in the hot tub. Things between us in our marriage are really good. I am am fairly sure that without the resource of MMSL and the coaching with Athol Kay we would not be in this place.

MA: My book is out. I’m a published author. Little happy dance. A huge thanks to Athol Kay, I doubt lazy me would have had enough confidence and tenacity to publish had you not encouraged me.

PI: Athol is really a wonder worker. Right now I’m dealing with a FIL who’s been hospitalized for a month with post-surgical delirium, a dying cat, an off the charts PA boss, chronic instability in my employer’s funding, a teething one-year-old and a stubborn preschooler. And that whole wife with no libido thing. After a call with him I feel pretty chill and positive about the future. I’ve said it before: I’m pretty sure he’s a witch.

AV: I’ve been mapping for 18 months or so, and gone from virtually nonexistent (1X year) to 6-8 per month, which is amazing, all by itself. Thanks Athol.

LV: I started my coaching sessions last fall, just wrapping up my 12-Week session last week. The improvements in not just my relationship with my wife but in my LIFE are nothing short of remarkable- because really, that’s what you’re working on with this program, with Athol’s coaching. You’re not trying to fix her, or even the relationship. You’re fixing YOU- and that affects everything you do. Athol’s got a very clear-cut approach to it as well- what are the biggest things you need to work on this week? What will give you the best return on your efforts? Focus on those few things this week, and see whether that focus needs to be shifted next week. More importantly, at least to me, is that he’s looking to give you the tools you need to do the work you need to be doing. His coaching disrupted the slow downward spiral I was on, and showed me how to start climbing again. This was well worth the investment of both money and time- I don’t feel that I need it anymore, but if I did, I’d sign up for another round of coaching in a heartbeat and I would STRONGLY recommend it to anyone who even thinks it might possibly be helpful for them. Do it. You won’t regret it. And you’ll learn how to make your life, yourself, better.

PB: Call. Athol. Now. It is so worth it. He saved my sanity.”

AB: Nowhere, in all the counselors and therapists and pastors we’ve talked to, has anyone given me anything to hold on to that kept me from drowning in hopelessness. You reached out in the coaching sessions and gave me tangible help, something to get up each day and do, that was more than theory and ideals and moralizing.

RH: If you find yourself “stuck” in various facets of your life, consider using the 12-Week MAP as a jump-start. It is a multidisciplinary, tailored approach that is accessible to anyone. As a coach, Athol will hold you accountable each week as you jointly set goals. Having gone through the program, don’t be surprised if you find the “attraction” part of the plan working on people besides your intended target, if you have one. As you follow through with your goals you will slowly gain the conviction that things will work out, thought it may not be in the way you expected. Very highly recommend for people in all sorts of situations.

KM: Athol is very insightful. He has cut through all the details of my complex situation, and analyzed what I need to work on. Sometimes his advice has surprised me. For example, one of my first assignments was to replace doors in my home that had been damaged by my ex-husband. Once the new doors were installed, I realized how those unpleasant reminders of the past had been draining my energy away from building a new life with my new husband. I also appreciate Athol’s tactful honesty. He was frank about how unattractive my “nice girl”/doormat behaviors are to a man…without hurting my feelings.

LI: The book is exactly what I need right now in my life. It has specifically helped me to see ways in which I am the vampire, not just the victim. Humbling, but truth often is.

WE: I think the advantage of the MAP book is that it saves you a whole lot of forum reading. This forum is pretty vast and can be a huge time sink for a newcomer. The book really focuses everything quite well on what matters for a plan of action. Also, I am into bullet points and steps and such, so I liked the quick pace.

SR: I’m exhausted from marathon sex last night!

Books – Current books and what’s coming soon

hardbackstandingstraight_392x4812013 – The Mindful Attraction Plan

A quantum leap forward in self-improvement, ease of use and practical applications of running your own MAP. Where the Primer was focused on a “Red Pill for Men” approach, The Mindful Attraction Plan knits a smooth synthesis of four years of writing into an approachable book both men and women can use.

“This is the pure, original meaning of the Law of Attraction, far away from fad books like “The Secret”. The Mindful Attraction Plan is a very neat packaging of wisdom from a number of different sources, and that’s exactly what makes it stand out. It’s simple, easy-to-use and more importantly, it just plain works. ” -Brian C Rideout “The Wild Man Project”

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2012 – How to Answer “Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?”

The second book published by Athol Kay, this collection of classic essays highlights some of the best posts written on his blog in 2010 and 2011. Humorous, smart, and easy to read, this book is as much fun as it is educational.

“Once again my brother has mortified his family by writing this crap.” Athol’s little sister.

 

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hardbackstandingstraight_392x481 trans2011 – The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011

The Primer is intended to act as a basic introduction to all the concepts on the MMSL blog in structured approach. The blog is free, but it could take you weeks or even months to get up to speed reading through the first two and a half years of posts. Reading the Primer gets you all caught up today.

“Athol Kay is an eloquent sex God and has most definitely cracked the code on female sexuality.” -Susan Walsh “Hooking Up Smart”

 

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Rebecca Book Transparent CoverI Want Sex He Wants Fries

Rebecca Watson

A practical, easy-to-understand guide on how low testosterone is affecting your marriage and how you can beat it. As the only other MAP Coach, Rebecca’s work aligns very smoothly with running your MAP. It’s a stellar book.

“Rebecca Watson has created the go-to book for husbands, wives and doctors who want to understand how low testosterone impacts marriages and how they can work together to beat it.” – Athol Kay

 

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What’s coming for 2015

The exciting news is after the webinar series has been completed, Athol will begin work on transferring the same content into a five part book series. Expect them to be available for sale one at a time, starting around the middle of the year, finishing with part five in the series early 2016.

The Married Guy’s Guide to Wife is designed to be an easy to understand, simple to put into action, step-by-step system of recovering attraction and rebuilding a wife’s interest in her husband. It also correctly stages the order you need to do things, avoiding the common pitfalls that can derailing all your progress.

Summer 2015 perfect 1 Part One New 2 Part Two New 3 Part Three New 4 Part Four New 5 Part Five New


Video – Online and on demand.

Not everyone reads books and if you learn best from hearing someone talk, or watching a video, we’ve got you covered.


NCMC Cover Final

Nice Card Mean Card: How Nice Men and Good Women Can Win at Relationships

36 short videos, coming to just under four hours of total video. You can watch the first few videos for free on Vimeo.

We have all at some point run into the problem of weak personal boundaries and having someone run over the top of us and take advantage of the situation.

Or put another way, we played the Nice Card and they played the Mean Card. Repeat that cycle a few times and relationships can quickly stop being fun.

This series is about learning a simple, clear tool that cuts through the uncertainty of whether or not someone is trying to take advantage of you, and gives you an equally straightforward solution as to what to do about it.

You’ll learn how to spot and handle incoming Mean Cards in real time, and learn how to encourage people to play more Nice Cards in your direction. All without needing to become unpleasant yourself.

All 36 Episodes are Live!

 


 The Married Guy’s Guide to Wife Series

If you’re a long time MMSL blog reader and have read the Married Man Sex Life Primer and/or The Mindful Attraction Plan, you will have already come across many of the concepts covered in this series. There are however a number of important additions and clarifications from early material that are well worth discovering. For lack of a better term, this is about as close to a MMSL Primer 2 as there will ever be.

The most important improvement is the ordering of the material for someone new to Athol’s work and in a stressful situation. It is explicitly designed to give you exactly the knowledge you need, and the actions you need to carry out, exactly when you need them and without throwing any distractions in your path.

If you are new to Athol’s work, please start here.


1 Part One NewThe Married Guy’s Guide to Wife: The Complete Series

This is all FIVE PARTS totaling 26 episodes and a total runtime of 20 hours.

 

All 26 Episodes are live! Click here!

 

 

 


1 Part One NewThe Married Guy’s Guide to Wife Part 1

The Truth About What Really Attracts Women

Core Questions: Why is my marriage floundering? It started off so good and now it’s like we’re roommates. How do I get it back to like it was at the start of the relationship?

Key Thoughts: That marriage is always a sexual relationship. Sexual relationships are driven by three primary biological drives. Understanding these drives gives you the tools you need to start recovering your relationship. Introduction to Alpha and Beta concepts.

All 5 Episodes are live! Click here!

 

 


2 Part Two NewThe Married Guy’s Guide to Wife Part 2

Creating Positive Relationship Momentum

Core Question: I’ve learned the basics, now how do I act as quickly as possible get to the point where our relationship is good and having lots of sex again?

Key Thoughts: Relationships have momentum and your best bet is focusing on a long term strategy of increasing her interest level in you, rather than pushing for sex when she doesn’t want it. Further development of the concepts of Alpha and Beta to find the precise flavor of each she best responds to, and which flavors of each she doesn’t really care about.

All 6 Episodes are live! Click here!

 

 


 

3 Part Three NewThe Married Guy’s Guide to Wife Part 3

Being the Strong Man She Wants to Follow

Core Questions: How do I get her to stop being disrespectful to me? How do I stop the fights about nothing? When she fights dirty, how do I handle it?

Key Thoughts:  Most wives look to their husbands to take on a confident, relaxed family leadership role. When the husband does this, a great deal of relationship drama disappears. In addition it also starts evoking a more positive sexual interest in him. This introduces important concepts like Leadership Moments and handling the internal power dynamics of a happy marriage.

All 5 Episodes are live! Click here!

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4 Part Four NewThe Married Guy’s Guide to Wife Part 4

Bedroom Confidence and Responsive Sexual Desire

Core Question: How do I get her to be really, really sexual with me?

Key Thoughts:  Most women have a responsive desire and best respond to an attractive man making confident sexual approaches on them. This series covers fine tuning initiations that actually work. Knowing how to make her want to push her sexual boundaries with you. How to let go and enjoy the sex more yourself. Plus how to make outside the bedroom playfulness turn into inside the bedroom fun for both of you.

All 5 Episodes are live! Click Here!

 


5 Part Five NewThe Married Guy’s Guide to Wife Part 5

Winning the Peace and Keeping it Won

Core Question: This has been a lot of work to get here. Can you make it any easier? This feels like I’ve been doing it all alone and carrying the relationship myself the whole time.

Key Thoughts:  Once a relationship is up to speed in terms of it’s momentum, it requires less energy to keep it there. Once you’ve “arrived” at the relationship being in a good place, the things that trip you up and make the relationship start heading downward, tend to be more emotional and whole life energy in nature. There is a genuine transition from trying to “win the war” in your relationship, to trying to “win the peace”. This covers the emotional struggles that you will face along the way of turning your relationship around. It’s unquestionably the most challenging part of the series.

All 5 Episodes are live! Click Here!