Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.
In this video I’m going to talk about a problem I see once in a while, all to do with following advice about minimizing communication patterns. This advice is out there for men, and it’s out there for women.
Primarily what they say is if there’s a problem where if you are too eager to connect to the other person, you are too gushy, you’re calling them too much, you’re texting them too much, you’re seeking them out constantly, you will slowly drive down your attractiveness in your partner. You will slowly make them lose interest in you. You hand all your power in the relationship to them. So don’t do it. Should you communicate? Well yes you should, but you should always keep a sort of a handle on it where you don’t do it too much.
One of the most popular pieces of advice out there I’ve seen is for every three times the text you or call you, you should only do it twice back.
This advice has been out and around for ages. I mean just look at the, just have a copy of The Rules, you know, dating and marriage advice for women, from 1995. This is the first couple of chapters. Don’t meet him half way or go dutch on a date. Don’t call him and rarely return his calls. Always end phone calls first. Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. What else have we got? Always end the date first. Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week. And generally keep it all, don’t open up too fast. Be honest but mysterious. Slowly involve him in your family.
So there’s a whole bunch of stuff that is all about limiting the communication, slowing everything down and basically withdrawing attention to get the other person to try and more aggressively, more assertively seek you out. Make you harder to get so that they seek you out. And this advice does work, but it runs into problems in relationships where both people are trying to follow that advice.
So imagine, if the rule I’m following is for every three points of contact you initiate, I’m only going to initiate two. Well, so if you call twenty times I’m going to call you back fifteen. If I’m calling you back fifteen, you’re only going to call back twelve. If you’re only calling me back twelve, I’m only going to call back nine. If I’m only calling you nine times you’re only going to call back six. I’ll only call back four times. You’ll only call back three. I’ll only call back two. You’ll only call back one. One. I’ll wait for you to contact me again.
You get this mutually assured destruction. This constant escalation. Let’s be honest, this is just a pissing match where both of you are trying to be in charge of the relationship, and winning is becoming more important than the relationship. When you try and actively win the relationship this way, you often end up losing it. You can turn things that were small things into big things if both of you are really aggressively trying to endlessly gain the upper hand in the relationship.
For the most part, people get to some point where they kind of reach a breaking point and someone folds and connects, but if you’re both really determined to hold frame and not budge an inch, eventually the relationship will go to a bad place. Both of you are going to see and perceive each other as testing the other, and think that you should be pushing back on those tests by being even more dominant and not budging. Pretty soon you can get to this really, really dark place. It can go from an average relationship into a really bad one when both of you are upping the ante very, very quickly.
This is actually something I’ve seen an awful lot in relationships when guys have finally learned the advice “stand up for yourself, be strong, be more Alpha.” It works really, really well until they reach some sort of magical threshold where she wasn’t actually trying to be rude. She wasn’t actually trying to be offensive. Yet it was read her as such so he pushed back on it, which makes her be all defensive and push back on that. He just reads that as another test. She reads him as being completely obnoxious, and now she’s a jaded bitch and he’s a horrible man and it goes round and round and round and round.
So it’s just something to be aware of. If you are both playing by The Rules, whether it’s the old time girlie girl rules or the new time Game rules, which you can read about all over the internet. You have to be really careful you’re not setting yourself for this path of mutually assured destruction.
And that’s about it, the video is done, going to leave it there. Please like, share, comment, and most importantly please subscribe.
And I will talk to you tomorrow.