Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, YouTuber talking about marriage and relationships and getting what you want from them.
In this episode I’m going to talk about the concept of bad relationships that are also stable, because almost invariably when someone comes to me for coaching or reads my books or whatever it is, they’re unhappy. They’re having a bad relationship, but it’s also stable. It’s sort of predictably, dependably bad. Like it was bad last month and in the same way it was bad last month, it’s going to be bad this month. It’s also going to be bad next month but it’s bad the same way. There’s often a sort of a ritualistic badness to it all. It’s bad but it’s stable. There is often no threat that their relationship is going to end or otherwise blow up, it’s just routine. We do this bad thing together.
What they’ve done in pretty much all these cases is they’ve given away their personal power. There’s a power dynamic in every relationship, and they have given away all their power, so their partner has all the power. That’s why their relationship is bad but stable, because the balance of power is stable. One partner has it all, the other partner doesn’t have much of it. The solution is for the weaker partner, usually the one reading my books or my client or whatever, to re-gain their personal power in the relationship. This will hopefully balance things back out to more of an even balance, and get the relationship stable, but now a good relationship.
The trouble is when you go from bad stable with a very lopsided balance of power, to a good stable it often goes through this period of sometimes quite dramatic instability. It’s not like the person in power just goes, “Oh, well, I’ll just give up 50% of my power. Everything will be cool.” Often it comes in fits and starts. It can swing backwards and forwards, and it can be a somewhat volatile time in the relationship. Sometimes there are highs, sometimes there are lows and it can feel very uncomfortable, scary, frightening and confusing when their relationship is going on a sort of a seesaw pattern.
What I want you to take away from this, is that this is instability is often a marker for progress. As long as people are not blowing things up just to blow things up and cause drama for no reason, like you actually standing up for things that you believe in and are reclaiming boundaries that have been crossed, that’s fine. We don’t have to pick a fight to try and “reclaim our power”, but it is going to go through this unstable period. It’s normal, it’s predictable, and it’s often forcing a renegotiation of the boundaries of the relationship.
Stable Bad —> Unstable Neutral —> Stable Good
… is the progression that I kind of expect and look for.
I think that’s about it. Going to leave it there. Like, share, subscribe, all that cool internet stuff.
And I will catch you next time.