Sex is a Symptom of Relationship Quality

Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

When I was writing my MMSL blog, 2010, ’11, ’12 and even up until 2013, most of my advice was aimed at married guys who are looking for more sex in their marriage. I was often teaching them a bunch of cool “sexy moves”, ways to charm and flirt their way to a better sex life with their wife. That kind of advice is still part of what I teach, but I’ve really moved to a more structural approach to creating attraction and improving the overall relationship quality.

I made that change because sexual frequency is very much a symptom of the overall quality of the relationship.  It’s all about how comfortable, attracted and happy the wife is in the marriage. So if you’re having a lot of sex, or very high quality sex, that’s a symptom of the relationship being good. And if you’re having not a whole lot of sex or no sex, that’s a symptom of the relationship being bad.

So all these cool sexy moves trying to get more sex, are tiny tweaks and influences compared to the overall benefits of improving the relationship. I tend to find the sexy moves have short term gains. While actually improving the relationship results in long term gains.

When I start working with someone, I ask questions about the sexual frequency all through the marriage. What was it like at the beginning? How long was the sexual frequency good? Were there any periods of this slow steady decline in sex? Were there periods where it just suddenly fell off a cliff and vanished?

I ask all these questions because the change in sexual frequency, often reveals something happening to the relationship. The acutely bad events often suddenly result in a marked drop off of sex. Usually it’s structural life situations resulting in slow declines because relationships tend to have a form of momentum. If it’s a good relationship it tends to stay good unless there’s something actively bringing it down. Situations like major career changes or financial setbacks, or a surprise fourth kid for example, are the possibilities for a long slow declines. Sometimes you don’t even realize it’s happening until after the fact, a year or two later sometimes.

It doesn’t sound…and I know, I know it does not sound very romantic, but I can actually chart the relationship happiness like a stock price by looking at the sexual frequency. So not terribly romantic but it is valuable data because as the sex changes you know there’s something happening with the relationship. If sex drops away and you’ve been in a relationship where there’s been a good amount of sex, it’s a red flag that the relationship is no longer good. That means there is something wrong, something that is draining, there’s been a Critical Moment of Neglect, something has happened to change the good situation into a less good one or a terrible one or whatever it is.

All that being said, it’s only data and it doesn’t necessarily tell you exactly why the relationship is bad, just when it happened. That’s why you have to ask a ton of questions around the situation to figure out why it changed.

When all is said and done, your marriage is always going to be a sexual relationship. It’s just a question of is it a good one, a bad one, an average one, or is it somewhat neutral. But the sex is always going to act a little bit like the canary in the coal mine. When you’re having a lot of sex and everyone is happy, the relationship is good. When it vanishes or drifts away for some reason that’s your sign that something is wrong, that something is happening.

AND DON’T WAIT until it’s been gone for three or four years, it makes it so much harder to fix after the situation has become normalized. You will be surprised at how many people wait until it has been years of an ingrained problem before they seek help.

So alrighty, going to leave it there. Please like, share, comment and most importantly please do subscribe on YouTube. And I will talk to you tomorrow.


  1. KSOTO says

    what are the problems that arise if you wait a few years without sex at all vs jumping right on it when sex declines?


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