Hello beautiful people, my name is Athol Kay and this is The Chain of Seduction, where we talk about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.
I’m going to go back to the most fundamental principle of all, and that is Survival and Replication.
Imagine a single cell organism, something like a bacteria. Just one bacteria cell and let’s call them Blob. Now Blob has to play both roles. They have to play the survival role, finding food and defending from attackers. Blob also has to play the replication role and find enough food to have the abilty to divide into and make more of him.
Because Blob is only a single cell, this is really efficient. All they’ve got to do is find some kind of food, some kind of oxygen, moisture and then divide in two. Their life span is pretty short, 20, 30 minutes maybe, before they divides in two and makes more. As I said, this is extremely efficient. It’s not like Blob has to go on the dating marketplace with other bacteria, get to know some of the other bacteria, hang out, meet the other bacteria’s parents. None of that has to happen. They just have to find enough food, survive for long enough, and replicate and make more of Blob.
Now imagine Blob is not single-celled, but is in fact a fully grown human-like creature that is a male-female hybrid because there’s just one sex.
Also imagine that it’s not 2017, but imagine Blob is living in The Time Before Writing. A point 10, 15,000 years ago where there’s just the beginnings of some sort of agriculture, but mostly it’s a hunter-gather lifestyle. Some cave drawings, but no one has discovered the written word yet. They’re living in small tribal groups when spears and knives are really cool, modern inventions. Fire, is the new hip thing, it’s awesome, you’ll love it. That’s The Time Before Writing.
The Time Before Writing Blob has to do all the survival skills and all the replication skills because Blob is a hybrid of male and female. So at some point Blob will get get pregnant. They’re going to deliver a new little Blob. They’re going to have to breastfeed or whatever it is they do AND forage for food AND hunt for food AND build a defensive wall AND go out and go into combat and defend their little tribal village. Oh yeah AND try and create writing AND science AND figure out all the advances that they’re going to make. AND raise the young to adulthood as all purpose solo parents AND not get that might help from anyone else, because everyone else is in the same boat Blob is.
When you’re trying to do all of those roles simultaneously it’s incredibly inefficient and Blob is not particularly good at any of them. Just imagine being pregnant, trying to nurse, wrangle a couple of other kids, while trying to build something, fighting in a war against a neighboring village while looking for food. After a certain point it becomes hopeless. Blob really risks failing at either the replication part or really failing at the survival part, and if Blob fails at either one of those tasks, Blob fails completely. There are no new Blobs. Thanks for playing.
The solution nearly every species on planet Earth found, and all the mammals, is the females specialize in replication, and the males specialize in survival. The women get pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, and are generally hyper alert on child protection and safety. Also compared to men they have excess fat on their bodies to get through carrying a kid to term and breastfeeding. But relative to the men, they are shorter, smaller, weaker, less physically able to do any of the survival stuff. Meanwhile men have grown taller, stronger, agile, faster, quicker, better hand-eye coordination, all for fighting and hunting and protecting. Also all that extra physical power works great for building walls, huts and making big heavy things.
So we have these two different skill sets. Both men and women want to survive and replicate. They want to be alive. They want to eat food. They want to be safe and protected. They want to be have sex, make young and see them turn into adults who then go on and do all the same survival and replication stuff.
But because we have these two different skill sets, men have a really intense need / desire / drive / motivation to have sex with women because that’s how they get access to the replication part of things.
Women also have a need / desire / drive / motivation get into relationships with men, because they’re going to need the guy to stick around and make sure she’s safe all the way through pregnancy, all the way through the kid being an infant, find some extra food and make sure she’s not killed by predators or neighboring tribes. Women have an intense need to seek out relationship.
That is not to say that men don’t want relationships and only want sex. That’s not to say that women don’t want sex and only want relationships. Both men and women want sex and relationships. It’s just in terms of the order of priority, men tend to be “I want sex and a relationship” and women tend to be “I want a relationship and sex.”
Often women need to feel secure in the relationship before they feel safe / comfortable having sex. Think back to The Time Before Writing and her ancient biological wiring. If she has sex, she might get pregnant and then there’s nine months of her being extra slow, extra clumsy, needing extra calories, extra support, and she’s completely vulnerable when she’s pregnant. Most people, and especially most women, probably don’t stand much of a chance against a lion or a tiger, and a pregnant woman just has no chance. She’d be meals on wheels. So she’s really going to want to be in a good relationship before she has sex.
Men are slightly different. They are going to want to have sex and if being in the relationship is the price of admission… well okay.
So men and women do both want sex and relationships, it’s just a slightly different order of priority.
Alrighty, fast forward to today…
We’re designed and adapted to live in The Time Before Writing. Living in small tribal villages, hunting for food, gathering food, defending from predators, defending from the other villages. Today the world is a completely different place. We have birth control. We have laws and police. We have education and medical systems. We have a global economic community in which we live, which has incredibly different benefits and requirements to be a participant in. We’re biologically adapted for an ancient time, yet we’re living in a modern world.
So here’s the kicker for relationships…
Often men and women are find the thing they want in a partner, the thing that excites them, attracts them, draws them in, the thing that they want is really corresponding to some form of ancient wiring from The Time Before Writing. Yet the thing that we need in the modern world, that we know we need on an intellectual level, aren’t exactly coupled with some sort of biological wiring that turns us on and makes us want to be with the person that has those things that we know we need.
There can be a real disconnect between what we are turned on by on a biological level, and what we intellectually know that we need for a modern relationship.
So anyway I think I’ve probably gone on enough for today. I’ll be following on with this sort of stuff tomorrow and the next day and here on out. So if you like the video, please subscribe. Like, share, comment, all that good internet stuff. And I will keep talking to you tomorrow.