The Critical Difference Between Being Nice and Creating Relationship Comfort

Feel like you’re banging your head against the wall being nice to them, only to feel like they don’t want you around?


Hi I’m Athol Kay and this is a short video about the difference between being nice and creating true relationship comfort.

I want to talk about this because this is one of the biggest misunderstandings guys seem to have in their relationships. I often find there are guys that come up and say “I’m so nice to her. I do all these nice things. I’m pleasant. I’m relaxing. I’m easygoing. I’m thoughtful, I’m caring. I’m sweet. I’m very, very pleasant to be around.”

All that can all be true, and it can be basically and okay thing, but even that can be different than creating a true sense in her that she is comfortable being in a relationship with you. So being nice and pleasant is helpful, but it may not actually convert into true comfort. And she’s not going to feel a true sense of comfort being in the relationship with you unless she is also attracted.

If she is attracted, then you being basically pleasant is a positive. But if she is not attracted and you’re spending all this time and energy just in this sort of low level orbit around her trying to please her and be pleasant and hang out, she’s going to find herself becoming increasingly uncomfortable with you around. Then she’s going to do the things that you hate. She’s going to start trying to distance herself. She’s going to push back a bit. She’s going to want to create space. She’s going to blow up and be angry and walk out, ask you to leave, whatever.

So if you don’t have a sense of already having created attraction, then all that nice is going to backfire. You don’t immediately just stop being completely pleasant and become a total jerk, but you really have to work on attraction because ultimately you do need attraction to create a true sense of relationship comfort.

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