Marriage Success Possible When the Wife Has Prior Sexual Abuse?

(Video transcript edited for readability)


Hi there, my name is Athol, and I’m here to help you fix your relationship, improve your life, and understand your personality.

This episode is going to be Ask Athol Anything and if you have a question for me you can send me it at

So here’s today’s question. “In the MMSL Primer”, (my first book), “you very briefly advise not attempting certain things if your wife was sexually abused in the past. I just wanted to ask, from your experience coaching other men, how much success did they have running the MAP when their wives had been sexually abused in the past?”

So I’ve got two answers to that. The first is going to be one of the things I said right at the very beginning of the Primer. I can guarantee if you run the MAP, put the effort into building attraction and comfort, I can guarantee you’re going to get a positive response from women. You’re going to be able to attract into your life a woman who will respond to you, want you and have a good relationship with you. But I just can’t quite guarantee that it’s going to be the woman that you’re currently married to.

I don’t know if I really have too much different to say now than I did five, six years ago when I wrote the book. What I see with everyone that I’m coaching, is they run the MAP, put the effort in, and they all become more attractive. They all become happier. They all have a greater sense of confidence. Of course I’m advertising my coaching here, that hey it works, it’s wonderful, but they really do. They all feel better about themselves. They often get other women start responding to them better. So they really do have direct evidence they are more attractive.

Pretty much in all the cases where there was no real problem with the wife other than a lack of attraction, they all have fabulous, fabulous results.

But where you have a blockage, where you do have a significant problem such as sexual abuse or any other kind of significant trauma, then it is hard to know exactly what will happen. Often I find, the whole point of the MAP gets to be you trying to create enough attraction, enough value, enough momentum in your relationship that you can actually successfully leverage things to actually make her want to deal with the problem.

So like I say, if the only problem was attraction and you become attractive, it’s problem solved. But if the problem is she has some sort of sexual trauma that she’s not addressing, she’s had no therapy, no counseling, never worked on it, is still reactive, then that’s often a significant blockage.

You gaining significant value means when you get to that point true leverage, you can actually get to the place of, “Hey babe the trouble is that you have this unresolved trauma. If you can fix it fantastic, but if you’re refusing to fix it, eventually I might leave or find someone who will respond to me. I will eventually have to stop tolerating this endless sacrifice of not having the relationship I want with you.”

Your increased attraction may be what it is that swings the balance and actually encourages her to finally say, “You know what? Me dealing with all this sexual abuse crap is something that I don’t want to do, but I really don’t want to lose the relationship I have with you, particularly now you’re so good and things are pretty great. So I guess I’m going to finally deal with it.”

So a major point of the MAP becomes creating the scenario where you can actually leverage genuine change on a deeply embedded problem.

That being said, there’s no particular assurances that they will go for it. Pretty much the worse the sexual abuse is, the worse the situation, the deeper the trauma or mental illness or whatever it is, the harder it is to change things. If it’s relatively light you have good chances. If it’s really heavy, you have reduced chances. But it’s often the only thing that’s actually going to encourage them to try and deal with it.

I don’t know if I have any hard and fast rules in terms of how many people improve and how many don’t. I’ve certainly seen some incredibly fantastic guys- physically attractive, great jobs, high value, kind, caring, committed, loyal- who discovered that the wife they are with has really, really deeply ingrained disorders. They find there is nothing they can do, or say, or want to be or anything that is ever going to get her to address things. In those situations the relationship sort of seemed to go smooth when they’re not trying to get what they want, but as soon as they try and get what they want things suddenly and destabilize and blow up.

I’ve also seen some situations where the guy is like, “You know what, I can’t fix this. I am tired of living my life with somebody else’s problem, and there’s no requirement I live a life of sacrifice so someone else doesn’t have to deal with a problem. I knew who I was when I moved into this relationship. I understand how I attracted this person into my life, and now I can move on and do something different and better.”

And on the other hand, I’ve seen people with some fairly deep situations actually make progress as the wife responds. But even then it is always a slow, steady, methodical process. Even if she suddenly says, “Yes, I’ve got to deal with this trauma”, it can be some considerable period of time as they go on therapy or get on meds or whatever it is to pull themselves out of the funk and down place they’ve been in.

So it really is a mixed bag answer.

On one hand I can tell you the sort of cheesy answer of yes, everyone will be 100% successful. They will become more attractive. They can certainly find someone to be with. But there’s also the more realistic one where the person asking really wants to be attached to a particular outcome, and there isn’t any particular guarantee that that person will sign on for trying to fix the problem. And that’s the awkward truth.

That being said, if you are totally maxed out in terms of your attractiveness, your value, the love you’re expressing, your commitment to make it all work, and they don’t want to fix a relationship-breaking problem, and they would blow things up if you were to suggest it, then there’s nothing much left to try and do to fix things. You’re out of cards to play at that point.

Speaking as someone who’s now dealt with hundreds of cases of these now, sometimes it really is for the best that people let go. I’m certainly super committed to seeing marriages work and I’m super committed to seeing people stay together and having wonderful lives and outcomes. But I’ve also seen so many cases now where I’ve said to people listen you have done everything. You are just bashing your head against a brick wall. You’ve been married in this situation for twenty, twenty-five years and all I can see for the future is exactly how it is now, and right now is awful.

Quotable001So like I say there is no requirement that anyone sacrifice themselves to help someone else avoid facing a problem in their life. What’s really sad is we’re not even trying to take anything away from the spouse who has this injury. We would love to help them and support them, the irony is what we’re trying to give them is a happy life, a great relationship, a shared history that stays intact and a happy family. Yet there are some people that will fight you hard to make sure they never deal with their deepest problems.

So on that sort of mixed blessing note, I think I’ll leave it there.

So please share, like, comment, subscribe, and all that good internet stuff. If you have a question for me, And I will catch you next time.


Book Updates, Price Drop, Kindle, iTunes, Nook and Kobo

This post takes the video transcript as a rough draft and is edits for readability.

Hi there, I have three books published and I want to catch you up on my approach to pricing, which retail platform my books are on and my general book marketing strategy. It’s going to explain why I have changed things in the past month with the books.

I started thinking things through differently after finishing the video series and doing Facebook advertising for it. Getting in to do the Facebook ads, they give you a lot of information about marketplaces and potential target demographics. It’s easy to search for people that are married, male and between the ages of 35 and 55, and it will give you a number of people who are on Facebook who meet that demographic. For my own personal interest I looked at different countries and was blown away at how many people outside of what you might think of as traditional English speaking countries actually speak English and flag themselves as such on their Facebook.

The one that really blew me away was India. Now obviously I knew a certain percentage of the population speaks English in India, I know it’s a big country, but I was blown away at how many people were on Facebook, using iPhones, flagging themselves as English speakers in India. It’s at least 100 million people in my target demographic, which is twice as big as my target demographic in the UK and Canada combined. I’d been thinking of the UK and Canada as my number two and number three countries, but the truth is, India is number two.

It gets really counterintuitive when you start digging around in Facebook to see what that demographic is. Countries like Brazil have as many people flagged as English speakers as in Australia. I think of Australia as English speaking, but I don’t think of Brazil as English speaking. I’m from New Zealand and it’s an English speaking country. I don’t think of Argentina as an English speaking country, but there are twice as many people in Argentina that flag themselves as English speakers as there are in New Zealand. Suddenly I’m living in this topsy turvy upside down world where English is a whole lot more ubiquitous than I ever really thought.

Books written in English do sell in some of these other countries. I saw one study that showed that five of the top one hundred books in Brazil were written in English. So this is broadening my horizons. Up until this point, I’ve been very dedicated and loyal to Amazon. It’s been a good relationship; they’ve never screwed me over. I’ve done my print copies through CreateSpace, which is an Amazon subsidiary. I’ve done it through the Kindle. I’ve been in exclusivity programs. It’s gone really well. But if English is everywhere and Amazon isn’t, this gives me the sense that I’m missing out on potential sales around the world.

This then comes to the question of who is the second biggest book seller in the world. To my surprise it is in fact Apple. ITunes is the second biggest book retailer in the world. Around the world there are a whole bunch of other booksellers like Kobo and Barnes and Noble. There’s just a pile of different booksellers around the world that can sell my book. I’m coming out of Amazon’s exclusivity agreement and getting my book on every single platform that I can imagine, just trying to make it easier for people to buy.

This is essentially what I’ve decided to do in the past three or four weeks. As I bring my books to new markets, I looked through to see if I wanted to make any kind of changes or tweaks, do I want to mess with the covers, do I want to mess with the price because the price has to be standardized.
In terms of the price, I am actually now starting to use Amazon’s pricing tool for Kindle, where they look at your book and reviews, the size of the book, and compare it to all the other books they have in their inventory. They then can suggest a price that they think will get you the maximum profit, the maximum royalty, what they predict that would be and what that would mean in terms of total sales. I’m basically giving it a shot to see what happens, and trusting that Amazon is self-motivated enough that they want to make the maximum profit so they’re actually trying to help me so that I make the maximum profit too. It was really interesting how much difference dropping the price a dollar or two on the Kindle was going to potentially make in terms of not so much total profit but in terms of total percentage of sales.

So I’ve done a price adjustment and I’m just trying to get my books everywhere.

That being said, if you’re a particular fan of mine and you have some of my books, I just want to go through them quickly so you know where we stand with some of these.

The first one is the Mindful Attraction Plan. I’ve made no changes at all inside this book. I’ve done a price drop, though. I don’t want to quote a price because three years from now someone will read this post and send me angry emails and threaten to sue me because the book is no longer available at whatever that price was. (I tell you this because this has happened to me.) With this book, I have only dropped the price and gotten it into all of the marketplaces that it could potentially be in.

The second one, “How To Answer Do these pants make my ass look fat?” has a new cover but is the same book. I did go through and reformat it slightly but it is the same book. As an author you’re limited about what you can do inside the book before it has to be flagged as a Second Edition a.k.a. “a completely new book”. The book has to be the same size, you have to use the same font, and you have to have the same page count. So it’s just slightly more readable in terms of formatting, and it has a new cover.

The one that I did make a great number of changes to was “The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011”. This is incidentally still my bestselling book. I did an eye catching cover change and added the subtitle “Plus a few more thoughts in 2015”. I have completely reformatted this book so it is particularly a whole lot better suited to the eBook format. I also did a whole new pass through the book for grammar, spelling, killing super wordy sentences; I’m basically a better writer now four years after I published.

That being said, the book is essentially the same. It doesn’t say anything substantially different; it’s all the same content apart from line editing. The one slight difference is that I added a couple of pages at the beginning and cut the last two chapter sections to re-write a few thoughts and fine tunings that I have now, and pointed readers toward “The Mindful Attraction Plan”, which is the next step.

Essentially it is the same book. If you have the old version on Kindle, you should be able to go onto your Kindle and update it to the current one. You’re not going to get a whole different book. This is not the Second Edition, it is still the 2011 edition. It will just be more readable on the Kindle format with a few extra thoughts added in and the same page count. There is no thought to ever have a Primer Second Edition at this point. The next books on the horizon will be taking the “Married Guy’s Guide to Wife” video series and turning that into books. If there is a Primer 2 it’s essentially those “Married Guy’s Guide to Wife” books.

And that’s about it.

Revel in the wonderful 3D cover images and delight buttons to Amazon, iTunes, Kobo and Nook. Revel in them.


hardbackstandingstraight_392x481The Mindful Attraction Plan

A quantum leap forward in self-improvement, ease of use and practical applications of running your own MAP. Where the Primer was focused on a “Red Pill for Men” approach, The Mindful Attraction Plan knits a smooth synthesis of four years of writing into an approachable book both men and women can use.

“This is the pure, original meaning of the Law of Attraction, far away from fad books like “The Secret”. The Mindful Attraction Plan is a very neat packaging of wisdom from a number of different sources, and that’s exactly what makes it stand out. It’s simple, easy-to-use and more importantly, it just plain works. ” -Brian C Rideout “The Wild Man Project”

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How to Answer “Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?”

The second book published by Athol Kay, this collection of classic essays highlights some of the best posts written on his blog in 2010 and 2011. Humorous, smart, and easy to read, this book is as much fun as it is educational.

“Once again my brother has mortified his family by writing this crap.” Athol’s little sister.


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hardbackstandingstraight_392x481 transThe Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011

The Primer is intended to act as a basic introduction to all the concepts on the MMSL blog in structured approach. The blog is free, but it could take you weeks or even months to get up to speed reading through the first two and a half years of posts. Reading the Primer gets you all caught up today.

“Athol Kay is an eloquent sex God and has most definitely cracked the code on female sexuality.” -Susan Walsh “Hooking Up Smart”


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