(This is the video transcript with a minor editing pass for readability)
In this video we are going to talk about mate guarding…what it is, how you do it, how not to do it and clean up some of the confusion that’s out there. I see a lot of different advice on mate guarding that tends to focus on one way of doing it and I think you need a fluid strategy.
The first thing to understand is that attraction isn’t controllable. People are just attracted to who they are attracted to, and we are all scanning the opposite sex (or same sex for some people) to see who is hot and who is not, and who is really appealing to us. If you’re with a attractive partner, there are going to be members of the opposite sex who are interested in them and who will strike up conversations and hit on them.
This is all normal and to be expected. When you’re noticing that someone is interested in your partner and it’s that routine attraction, just interested and having a good conversation, you’re coming into what I call the Green area of mate guarding. Think of it as a traffic light system: red, yellow and green. So this requires Green mate guarding, meaning you are across the room, and there’s a conversation that may be a little flirty between your wife and someone who is into her, she may be enjoying it, but there’s no really implicit threat. There is no immediate danger that she’s going to fall on her back with her legs apart and the sex is going to happen.
Because this is all routine and expected, you mate guard this with a passive approach. Meaning that you’re simply going to be the most attractive person you can. You’re going to be the highest value person you can be. You’re going to be relaxed and confident because there’s obviously nothing really happening over there that’s going to go anywhere, and that’s about it. You cannot mate guard your spouse 24/7. You can’t follow them around like some sort of surveillance van ensuring that no one is ever attracted to them. That becomes incredibly toxic, boring, and a giant display of low value if you’re always doing that. As long as what you’re seeing is just that your wife is attractive, that’s all it is. You’re creating high value by simply being as attractive as you can so your wife has a relationship with you, sunk costs, a shared life and history, and there’s no reason to do anything with anyone else because you’re as good as you are.
The second type of mate guarding is Yellow mate guarding. This is when you’re seeing something that was in the Green zone start crossing the line. The other guy is now getting some target lock on your wife or girlfriend. He’s really starting to focus and he’s obviously starting to consciously try and gain points with her. He’s trying to start a seduction. He may be nowhere near getting to the bedroom with her, but he very obviously has that target lock and he’s now purposely starting to try and build a greater attraction and rapport with your wife or girlfriend.
So with Yellow mate guarding, you’re seeing this is going on and what you do is called cock blocking . This is where you go over and make it clear that you’re in her life, you’re present and paying attention. You’re communicating that you see what he’s doing and you’re not going to be oblivious to him making further inroads in building attraction. This can all be done in a casual, low-key, friendly sort of a way. He’s not really doing anything wrong if he’s interested in her. She’s attractive, it is what it is, but you don’t want to see things escalate any further.
All you need to do for the most part is be present and observable, and obviously not someone who is going to be weak if he goes further. More often than not this is all that it takes. Once the other guy sees that the husband or boyfriend is paying attention and will actually do something… suddenly it’s going to take a lot more effort, skill and cleverness to ever get anywhere with this particular woman. There are probably easier targets out there. 9 times out of 10 they will simply go on to chat somebody else up. These men are not so much looking for women who will sleep with them, so much as they are looking for weak husbands. You just have to prove that you’re not a weak husband and 9 times out of 10 that’s the last you see of them.
Sometimes in Yellow mate guarding the wife or girlfriend knows the game. Sometimes they don’t necessarily realize what is going on. There are a number of times I’ve had women say “oh, this was nothing” while all the guys agree that it was something. So there’s a grey area there, but essentially you just cock block. Show up, say hi, make eye contact, and that’s usually where it ends.
The third type of mate guarding is Red mate guarding. You are now seeing something truly starting to get nefarious. The other guy is very clearly targeting your wife or girlfriend, is consciously starting to build attraction, and is actually starting to make some headway with it to the point where she is starting to get either somewhat interested, attracted, or tempted…and this is the one where you really do need to intervene directly. You have to do this because if you do nothing, you’re basically giving this other guy free reign to move, and after a certain point it looks like a giant display of weakness that you’re too much of a coward to get up, stand up, protect, claim and own what is for a lack of a better term, yours. This is your relationship, your life, your history.
The sooner you do it the better. It never gets better if you sit there and do nothing. The longer you do nothing the deeper this particular rabbit hole can go. The more time he has to work on your wife or girlfriend, the more time he has to create a rapport, to create attraction, and create comfort. After that the next step is trying to isolate her from you. You have to do the opposite…you can’t let the isolation happen. You have to be a little more direct.
When you’re discovering truly inappropriate things, you’re discovering the beginning parts of affairs or actual affairs, you really do have to do a strong intervention. What I see far more often than not is that the wife or girlfriend will end up with the guy who makes the strongest, most dominant play for her attention. The guy that puffs up his chest and actually makes a move.
Almost invariably when a husband or long-term boyfriend makes a really solid defensive play and tells the other man, “I’m on to you. I see what’s happening. You need to get the hell out” the other guy says, “Oh, my bad” and exits stage left. Very rarely do they actually stick around and put up any kind of a fight for the attentions of the woman. This is old school Lizard Brain stuff, because the husband who thinks some guy is about to bang his wife, is usually pretty pissed off and can become rather aggressive. Bad things can happen in the moment. Almost invariably the other man takes off. I’m not saying to be physically violent, I’m just saying that making a direct contact and telling him to get the hell out usually is all it takes. Often the other man is freaked out. Maybe one time in ten do they put up resistance, and usually they are truly hoping for a relationship and in love with the wife. That only makes it more important to be direct with them.
The problem that I see online is the notion that you should only do the Green mate guarding. You should only display high value. You should only be confident. If she’s going to do something, you can’t prevent it. Well, yes and no. She does have her own free will, but the truth is that attractiveness, dominance, Game, being cocky and funny, instigation, isolation, escalation…all these things work to generate attraction. If you just let another guy have completely free reign to run his Game while you do nothing, he’s going to build attraction. At some point you have to stop him, and that’s what mate guarding is. You’re allowed to do it. You don’t have to be an over the top asshole, but you should mate guard if you see your relationship facing a true threat.
You don’t really have to worry about your wife so much as you have to worry about the guys with the target lock. Then if it really gets beyond that you’ve got to tell them to get lost.
(And yes the opposite all holds true as well ladies. If some woman is making direct plays for your husband, you don’t have to be polite about dealing with it.)