Hi there, my name is Athol and in this video I’m going to talk about what I’m starting to call the Unholy Trinity, a constellation of three factors that when I see it, I shake my head and step back and go this situation is not fixable.
And do bear in mind that many affair situations are fixable, but these three factors together as the Unholy Trinity are so worrisome.
1. No Early Attraction
At the start of the relationship there was not a whole lot of attraction, not a whole lot of sex, not a whole lot of passion, stemming from the partner who ended up having the affair. So one half of the couple can be really into their partner, the other half of the couple is just kind of feeling flat, and they still get married anyway. That low water mark of interest at the time of marriage is something I’ve mentioned before as a red flag.
2. The Affair is Particularly Intense
All affairs tend to be intense experiences, but this affair is really deep and particularly torrid. They are doing all kinds of crazy sexual stuff with their affair partner that they pretty much never did with their spouse. It can be an over-the-top movie-like sexual experience affair, or when it ends they have almost a complete freaking breakdown. So basically the key point is the affair itself is insanely emotionally intense compared to their relationship that they’ve had.
(edit: note that a discovered affair coupled with a very dramatic crying spell of several hours is normal and a GOOD sign. A breakdown of several days is a BAD sign)
3. Cold as Ice
Once the affair is discovered, the affair is stopped, there is no real progress with the marriage and the couple despite attempts to improve things. The spouse that had the affair is now just devolving into a completely jaded, withdrawn, “ice princess”, unaffected, cold, distant interaction with their partner. They can be polite and courteous, but no warmth or interest in connection.
The Three Factors Together
So, (1) they weren’t really interested at the beginning, (2) the affair was super intense, (3) once it’s discovered they just go into this icy super low interaction with their partner.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a relationship recover when I’ve seen those three factors together. I’ve seen them survive. I’ve seen them go through the motions. I’ve seen them stay together and there may not be any kind of abuse or there may not be any kind of major blowups, it may all be very sociable, but I’ve never seen any sense of passion and excitement inject itself back into the marriage. They are now just going through the motions and treading water and that’s all it is and I think all it will ever be.
Compare that to an affair situation where you can say, hey look, back at the beginning of the relationship it was really good. We had seven really good years and two crappy ones and the affair happened in year nine and we can see some explanations of why it happened. Plus the person is genuinely apologetic and wants to get back together and work on things and is trying to reach out and re-establish trust. Well there’s a reasonable degree of hope there.
But when there was no interest from the beginning and the affair was just super intense and then when they’re caught it’s just this ice princess completely jaded, no interaction thing. I’ve never seen it get better. So this may be harsh, but I think when you see that you just have to accept the relationship was never there from the beginning. It will be really hard in the short term, but probably your best chance of happiness is calling it quits and trying to have some sort of amicable divorce and trying to find someone who will actually love you.
So on that sort of sad, down, jaded note, realistic. I will catch you next time.