Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.
Today’s episode follows along from yesterday’s episode where yesterday I talked about not doing The Thing, i.e. going from some sort of major breakup or divorce and then immediately jumping into a new relationship. In this episode I’m going to talk about when is the right time to start doing The Thing. When is it good to start dating? When is it good to start looking for a new relationship? Essentially we’re going to look at the three concerns that I talked about yesterday, as why you shouldn’t do The Thing, to see if you’re passing these three concerns now, which then is the green light to really start going forward.
Low Energy State?
The first one is are you out of the low energy state that you were in when the divorce finished, or the big breakup happened? Any time you have a major relationship breakup it is incredibly draining. You become completely exhausted. Most people have some good crash period of at least a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, where literally everything is drained from you. After the initial crash though, it can take a number of weeks or months to regain your energy.
The concern is if you’re at a low energy state, you attract another low energy person into your life, and then you end up with a really low energy, unfun relationship. So the question is are you out of that low energy state? Are you having fun again? Are you getting out? Are you doing the activities you like? Are you doing the hobbies you enjoy? Are you being active? Are you eating right? Are you exercising again? Are you doing all the self-care taking care of you things that you can be doing, that make you feel better with have a higher energy state?
Also just as low attracts low, a high energy state will tend to attract a higher energy state person to be in a relationship with. So if you take those few weeks or months to get to a higher energy state, it can save you so much hassle over the long term if you attract someone to your life that is also in a good place.
Still Emotional About The Ex?
The second concern is are you still emotionally bound up in the relationship that just ended. Are you still mad about it? Are you still sad about it? Have you reached that place where you can be somewhat more objective and say okay I understand why that relationship ended. Do you understand the explanations why it ended, not necessarily that the things people did were excusable or not, but do you understand the story arc that got you to where you ended up?
Have you started to fix things that you could change about yourself, now that you’ve learned the lessons from the relationship that ended? Especially important is asking if you’re still in a state where you’re angry at either men or women in general, depending which sex you are or which you’re attracted to?
If you’re emotionally tied up in the old relationship, or resentful of men/women, you’re bringing something toxic into the relationship. Also, you’re only going to find someone who tolerates you being toxic, will want to be in a relationship with you. Which means they have self-esteem issues of their own as they’re willing to tolerate being in a relationship with someone that’s still a bit messed up. Which means you just got yourself into a relationship with a messed up person.
Avoiding a Negative vs. Going to a Positive?
The third concern is are you trying to avoid a negative as opposed to go toward a positive? Are there still some sort of logistical life problem things that you have that you are trying to avoid? You need a place to live. You don’t have enough income. You’re trying to figure out what to do with the kids. Do you have a bunch of life problems for which you see a relationship as a solution?
Are you avoiding a negative instead of going to a positive? Do you have these logistical things that you need to fix first? Because if you have logistical needs where you need to be in a relationship to have your life work, that means you approach those relationships from a very weak place. You make yourself dependent on the other person. Then once you’re in that relationship you lose the motivation and the momentum to fix those problems yourself, which means you can often always be weak to that person.
So I think those are the three key things. Do you have enough energy? Are you emotionally past it? And are you self-sustaining and supporting where you don’t actually need another relationship to have your life in general work?
Avoid Being a Transitional Person
You need to look at yourself through that matrix, and you also need to look at potential partners through that matrix. You may be in a great place but if you’re getting attracted to someone who is depressed about their own prime relationship ending, they’re still messed up about their ex-partner and they are desperately needy to have a place to live and some form of income and you’re the lucky winner… then you know you are buying into a relationship that is going to be problematic.
The risk is when one or both of these people have defects in any of these three factors, you’re setting yourself up for a transitional relationship, one that only lasts a short time. It may be good for what it is, but it can also be a terribly damaging chicane in your life. You might waste six months to a year of time into this relationship, instead of being self-supporting and it costs you in the long term.
Hit the dating market once your energy is good, you’re not emotionally messed up about the prior relationship and you’re self-supporting and the relationship isn’t to fix a life problem. And absolutely, nothing stops you from getting out of the house, meeting people, having fun, enjoying life, having good experiences. You just have to realize that until you get all this together you’re just a little bit susceptible to missing red flags, being attracted to someone who’s going to be a real problem long term, and you just have to be really mindful and conscious of that.
And I do understand that’s all logical, logical advice and it is a version of the Don’t Do The Thing speech in reverse form, so just be careful. Guard yourself a little bit.
Anyway I think that’s about it. I hope you like the video. Like, share, comment, subscribe and all that good internet stuff. And I will talk to you tomorrow.