Hello beautiful people. My name is Athol, talking about marriage, relationships and getting what you want from them.

In this episode I’m going to answer the question many women have which is, “Why is everything about sex to guys?”  Why are they always thinking about it, why is it so freaking important to them, and why do they get so upset when they don’t get it. So I hope I’m going to answer this question and make it a little clearer and get a more of a sympathetic understanding as to why this is.


Big Boys Don’t Cry

When you’re growing up as a boy, after a certain point most of the expressions of love, affection and warmth that you get as a little kid, seems to mysteriously vanish from your life. Usually it’s some point right around puberty and certainly by the time you’re into being a teenager. Most boys don’t really experience a great deal of physical affection compared to their sisters and female friends.

Certainly by the time you’re an adult, the average adult male receives really no expressions of warmth, affection and positive physical touch from anyone other than their primary romantic sexual partner. The only other point of physical touch most guys get are hand shakes with other men. Maybe a hug from their mother once they’re adults. For a lot of guys physical touch vanishes from their life.

It’s far more socially acceptable for a woman to be touchy feely and expressive than for a man to be expressive. Most guys just have this craving for physical touch, warmth and affection. I often find every time a coaching client tells me that his Love Language is Physical Touch, he reveals it like it’s this deeply personal secret. It’s always a little amusing in that literally 97-98% of guys will say that their Love Language is Physical Touch. Physical Touch is just above and beyond everything.

You can also really see it in dating and just the little interactions between men and women. It’s that playful slap on the guy’s arm that some girl gives. Many men can experience her touch on his forearm like some sort of electrical contact almost. It’s a magnified thing.

So for most men, the only way they get the majority of their physical contact and their physical intimacy with anyone, is when they are having sex. That is how they get the physical closeness. That’s how they get the physical touch. That’s how they get the contact.

So for a lot of guys Sex = Love and Love = Sex.

When the only person that they get sex from, is the only person they experience as getting love from, the quality of that relationship becomes increasingly important. Because now when they are asking for sex and they get told no, it’s not just that they are being declined sex. Often they feel like they are being declined love. Which means a sexual rejection takes on a greater importance and hurts so much. I feels like not just a sexual rejection, but also “I don’t love you.”

Of course the wife or girlfriend may love him just fine, and have no intention of sending that message. Often they’re sensitive to the fact that this is how he’s interpreting it, or at least sensitive to him being upset about a no.

It can get really problematic when the sex in a relationship starts declining, that he feels like he’s investing into this relationship and doing what he needs to do, and is now getting absolutely nothing back. I’m not getting sex out of this relationship from this person that doesn’t really love me. It’s not even a question of are they in love with me but do they even love me.

A really common question is, “Why can’t she just lay on her back for five minutes and let me do what I want to do?”  For him it’s not just about sex, but also the desire for warmth, contact and feeling loved.

You can really see it in the dynamic of guys that start to escalate what they need to be validated by her. You can certainly see it in the guys who are super fixated in getting particular sexual acts, that would demonstrate the level of love and interest she has for him. It’s the ones where he feels like, “I must get blow jobs to completion. If I don’t get that at least once in a while I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel secure in this relationship. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel validated. I don’t feel like my investment in what I do for her is valued.” It can of course be something they’re genuinely sexually interested in, but it often carries this greater dynamic attached to it which makes it so important.

Then of course, she can feel like the only thing he wants her for is sex. But having watched this video you can see it’s now far more than that. It’s not just that he wants sex. He wants love, and for him the having sex is an expression of love for her. 

When she doesn’t understand this dynamic, and feels like he is endlessly trying to get sex, and he gets hurt and upset when he doesn’t get it, often this is part of the reason she pulls back from him. Because if she lets him kiss her, hug her or hold her, he’s always trying to escalate it further towards having sex. So she can avoid hugs and kisses with him, because she’s not in the mood for sex.

The problem can get worse and worse as she avoids even the minimal amount of physical affection she was doing. Now she’s not kissing him. Now she’s not hugging him. Now she’s not holding hands. And that just hurts him more and more and more.

So to answer, why is everything about sex to guys?

Well, because for a lot of them that’s the only way they feel that they can get anything.


And I’m going to leave it there. I’m going to come back in probably a day or two and I want to do a video about why for women, sex and love can often feel oppositional, above and beyond everything we talked about here. So that’s about it. Please like, share, comment and most importantly please subscribe on YouTube and I will talk to you tomorrow.


  1. Jolly Good says

    I’m really interested in the follow up to this one. The Primer book gives the message of “always initiate”, which I think can lead to this situation of withdrawal of contact, especially if a partner struggles to say “not tonight”, and can only say “no” by adding distance.
    The Guide to Wife video series restores a bit of balance with the whole chain of seduction explanation, but if you have maybe rushed things and got a taste of frequent sex through a Primer approach, it is very hard to back off from trying to initiate and just focus on building the middle links. Feels like taking steps backwards.

    Really hoping for a “and here’s how to fix it” follow-up from this episode. I kinda know that I should just be outcome independent, and stop worrying that I’ll go back to drought if I stop asking, but that whole “it’s up to you to escalate” keeps ringing in my ears. Hoping for advice.
    Thanks again Athol.

    • atholkay says

      Agree that the Primer seems a bit over the top in initiating all the time. It’s something I tried to mitigate with the Red Yellow Green toolset on the blog/forum.

      I’m getting to the Initiation link in Chain of Seduction in due process and I’m hoping it will clarify it all better.

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